


All or Nothing

by DoctorHolmesWinchester (midnightsun159)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Angels vs. Demons, Angst, Canon, Danger, Dean and Pie, Demons, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel kisses, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fallen Angels, Fights, Fireworks, Forehead Kisses, Gen, Hate Crimes, Heartache, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hunter Dean, Hunters, Hurt Sam Winchester, Jimmy Novak - Freeform, Kissing, Love, M/M, Male Slash, My First Destiel Fanfic, No Tentacles, Other, POV Alternating, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, POV Jimmy, Pie, References to Supernatural (TV), Relationship(s), Romance, Sam Winchester is Not Amused, Slash, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, So many ships, Spoilers, Supernatural - Freeform, based on canon, holy oil, it could be a navy, jimmydean, not coffeeshop, otp, sammy - Freeform, sammy gets hurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-16 07:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 25,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3479900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsun159/pseuds/DoctorHolmesWinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All or Nothing is a Destiel fic where Cas has lost his mojo and memories. Sam gets hurt. Dean gets drunk. Sparks fly during a surprise kiss between Dean and Cas's "vessel". If Cas gets his memories back, will he still have feelings for Dean? Just how far will they go to get their friend back? Follow the Winchesters as they do the wrong things with the right intentions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good Directions

*a/n* Over the next week or so, I will be going through the story again and editing. Some parts just make me **cringe**. but the plot will remain essentially the same *

Dean sat at the bar. He had already downed a couple of shots of vodka when someone sat down next to him.

Without looking, he said, "the seats taken", glancing up at the bartender. She looked at the stranger next to Dean sympathetically, "Don't feel bad, he doesn't let anyone sit there."

"My apologies," said the other man, getting up. Dean inhaled sharply.

"Wait," he turned towards the other man, almost fearfully. " He's not gonna show anyway, so you might as well stay." Dean implored, and finally looked at the other man, paling as he saw the man's bright blue eyes.

He coughed, almost in surprise. The other man looked concerned. Dean's stomach dropped. He sighed, and asked for 2 shots of vodka, handing one to the other guy.

"So, what's your name?" Dean asked casually.

"My name is Jimmy," the other man replied.

Dean then grabbed his vodka and polished it off.

He put his hand out, "Hey... Jimmy, I'm Dean. " Shaking Jimmy's hand, he asked "I had a friend who knew a Jimmy... what's your last name?"

Jimmy smiled at him, "Novak. Jimmy Novak."

Dean's hand clenched around the empty glass, but Jimmy didn't notice. Instead, Jimmy glanced down at his seat and asked, "So, why me?"

Dean looked away from his glass, "I'm sorry, what?

"You have been sitting by yourself all this time, waiting for someone… Why did you give up on waiting for him?"

Dean ordered another shot… It was seeming to be one of those nights. Dean thought for a moment, and after knocking back the shot, he answered. "Well… I just decided that he was never going to come. I'd fooled myself into thinking he'd come back, but he's not…" He stood up abruptly, "I'll be right back, I've just gotta go and smoke." Dean walked out of the bar, towards the Impala. Ever since it happened he picked up smoking as a habit to deal with the stress. But if Sammy ever found out…

Holding the pack in one hand, he smacked it against the palm of his other hand a few times and pulled a cigarette out, running his hand through his hair. Dean took a deep breath, and lit the cigarette, shaking slightly as he brought it to his lips.

A few moments later , he heard footsteps on the gravel, and turned around as he heard a voice, "I'm sorry, Dean."

"What for?", he wondered.

"Well, I seemed to have struck a nerve back there." Jimmy replied, apologetically.

Dean was quiet for a minute. He looked at the mans' outfit, he shouldn't have been surprised, but he was a bit disappointed to see Jimmy wearing a navy blue suit, with a patterned tie, knotted neatly all the way up to the collar.

Dean gave Jimmy a small smile, "It's alright, you didn't know."

"Was he.. did you love this man you were waiting for?" Jimmy asked.

Dean accidentally inhaled the smoke, in surprise, and started coughing.

Eyes watering from the intensity of the coughs, Dean lifted his head up after getting it out of his system. "No! No, he was just a friend." Dean explained.

"Oh, " Jimmy said, awkwardly, "Sorry, I just assumed.."

Dean shook his head, "Nah man, don't worry about it." and glanced at his watch. It was almost midnight. He'd been nursing a beer for a while before hitting the vodka, which was a short time before Jimmy arrived. He stood up straight, and threw down his cigarette, stamping it out.

"It was nice meeting you…" as Dean made eye contact, he almost called him by a different name, "...Jimmy", he glanced up at the stars and prayed Cas, please... You have to come back, it was futile, no one was listening, but he attempted anyway. "Anyway… I should go," Dean opened the driver side door of the Impala, but Jimmy slammed it shut, giving him a stormy look and said, angrily, "What do you think you're doing." Dean was hopeful. Was it possible that something had changed? Dean couldn't imagine that praying would do anything now, when it hadn't helped in the past.

"You're drunk! I'm taking you home." Jimmy said, angrily. Dean's heart wrenched. His prayers were worth jack shit. Jimmy was just being nice. Dean walked past Jimmy and got in the backseat, tossing the keys to his Baby at Jimmy. "Just take care of her,' He said, wearily.

Jimmy snorted, and got in. Starting the car, he adjusted the seat a little, and started driving after Dean gave him directions.

Half an hour later, Jimmy pulled into a parking lot at an apartment complex and examined the buildings. They were a little shabby, but not too bad, which made him feel better about leaving Dean here. It didn't look like there were any thugs for Dean to get into a fight with.

He shut off the car and took the keys out of the ignition. Getting out, he pocketed the keys and looked at Dean, asleep in the backseat. Opening the door, he grabbed Dean under the armpits, noticing for the first time how in shape Dean was. Pulling , ( but more like dragging because, damn, Dean weighed a ton,) Dean out the car and leaned him against the car, holding him up, and shook Dean. "Hey, Dean… Buddy, it's time to wake up." Dean groaned groggily and Jimmy shook him again. Dean opened his eyes, "Oh, yeah…" and leaned against Jimmy, the alcohol and sleep combined, making him clumsy and unstable. Jimmy got the room number from Dean and walked him, slowly, towards the apartments, praying that he was on the first floor.

Once they made it to Dean's door, (luckily on the first floor) Jimmy rooted through Dean's pocket, who remarked "People might talk". Jimmy rolled his eyes at that and found the key to Dean's apartment, and pulled it out, triumphantly, and unlocked the door, stepping in.

He looked around for the bedroom, and "dragged" Dean towards the only room that could be a bedroom. Dean was slowly regaining his ability to think and straightened up, "No!" he pleaded, a bit slurred. "Just… just get me a coffee… I'd rather you didn't… go into my room…"

Dean braced himself against the wall, and gave Jimmy a look that made him sigh and head towards the kitchen. He set up the pot and started brewing. Jimmy looked back towards Dean, but he was in his room with the door shut. Noting the mess that Dean called a kitchen, Jimmy started cleaning up a bit while the coffee brewed. He put the dishes that were, frankly, a bit disgusting, in the dishwasher and starting it. He began throwing away trash, paper plates, pizza boxes, milk cartons, the like. When the coffee was done, he poured it into a mug and hoped Dean liked it black. Jimmy stood outside of Dean's room and listened for any sounds. Not hearing anything, he knocked. Dean opened the door slightly and reached his hand out for the mug. Jimmy, understandably confused, handed it to him. Dean placed it on a desk next to the door and started closing the door.

He hesitated and, from behind the door, said, "Thank you, Jimmy. Although I believe I wont be in need of your assistance anymore."

Jimmy, upon hearing Dean's tone of voice at the end, backed up slightly. There was despair, mixed with a biting anger, which Jimmy didn't understand. "Of course," he said, a bit frostily, "I'll be going then.". True to his word, Jimmy left, well aware that it was late and he would have to walk back to the bar, deciding that he needed to think and driving would distract him at the moment.

Dean watched Jimmy walk away through the window, feeling vaguely creepy. He turned and punched the wall repeatedly. Of course, he wasn't as drunk as he let Jimmy believe, although he really had been tired. His liver had taken a beating lately, so he could handle a few shots of vodka. After drinking his coffee and bandaging up his knuckles, Dean layed down in bed, his eyes stinging. Those blue eyes were haunting him. As Dean fell asleep, he dreaded what he would dream tonight.


	2. Nightmares

Dean felt two sets of hands holding him back. He struggled against the men holding him, but he barely registered their presence when he saw Cas. He was shirtless, and covered in cuts, some of them so deep that Dean was afraid something would spill out. "Dean!" He heard Cas scream as the angel started to break the bones in Cas's arms, and he fought even harder. The angel who was hurting Cas looked at Dean and smiled, laughing, as he punched Castiel in the face repeatedly.

He held held a knife to Cas's throat and shouted, "Stop." Dean had no choice but to obey. "As much as I enjoyed this, my brothers and I have more important matters to attend to. He held the knife against Cas's throat once more and Dean cried out. The angel just rolled his eyes. "Calm yourself. I have no reason to kill Castiel, I just want something from him, since he won't give me the information I need. After this, my brothers and I will leave you and your brother alone, along with Castiel, provided you don't put up a struggle. Deal Dean?".

Dean glanced over at his friend. His heart broke at the sight of Cas so broken. Dean nodded. The angel, smiling once more, slit Cas's throat, collecting his grace. Dean froze and waited. The angel ran his hands over, but not touching, Cas's body, healing him. The angel then placed his hands on Cas's temples, and Dean had to close his eyes against a bright flash of light. The angel walked over to Dean. "He's healed... of course, I had to take some preventative actions. I wiped his memories of anything relating to Heaven and Hell... Including yo-,"

Dean interrupted him, "You son of a bitch!" Which resulting in the angel slapping him across the face.

"SILENCE! ... I did Castiel a favour. He can live a normal life, one not Ruined by the Winchesters. You should be grateful." He chuckled, "Goodbye, Dean Winchester." With a snap of his fingers, the angels disappeared, taking Cas with them.  
Dean screamed and fell to his knees. At that moment Sam and Bobby came bursting through the door. Sam ran to Dean, shaking him, "What happened? DEAN WHAT HAPPENED?" Dean just started crying and said "He's gone". Sam grabbed his brother and held him tight, as if he could squeeze the broken parts of Dean back together.

Dean sat straight up, having awakened from his nightmare, caked in sweat and crying. His breath came in jagged gasps and he felt like his heart was going to explode. Every night he relived the memories. And every night he saw Cas get beaten beyond repair and taken from him.

For Dean, everyday was a Tuesday. His nightmares woke him up early and his drinking kept him up late. In the morning, he would get up and go to work, although he had a lower rate on his room because he saved the landlord from some vampires. In the afternoon he would go to the gym, mainly for boxing, and after a while he'd run until he almost blacked out. At night, he'd go to the bar, sometimes he'd get drunk, other times he would just spend the entire night nursing a beer. He'd then go to bed and repeat it all the next day.

But today wasn't going to be like most days. Dean called the mechanic shop he worked for and took the day off. He was surprised to see Cas yesterday, really surprised, because he had been keeping an eye on Cas, specifically to avoid him, but also to make sure the angels stayed true to their word. It seemed like they had. To be honest, Dean hadn't been surprised to see Cas at the bar, sometimes Dean saw him. In the corner of his eye, in people's faces. He always heard Cas's voice. It was cruel, to be this close to him, yet it wasn't Cas anymore. He knew that from the very beginning. And so, Dean had decided to let Cas go, because Cas could have a happy, normal life as as human. A life he couldn't have with Dean.

Since Dean had the day off,he decided to hit the gym early. When he got there, he'd worked himself up enough that he knew hed have to be patched up. Dean went straight for the punching bags, and after stretching a little, started pounding on the large bag in front of him, over and over, the repetitiveness of the punches slowly numbing him, keeping him from thinking. That was the only thing that could help him manage. Eventually, he noticed that he was leaving streaks of blood on the bag, but he didn't care. The pain in his knuckles only served to fuel him. But eventually it became too much and he stumbled back, falling into a chair. He took a swig of water, the cold stinging his throat.

"Someone must have really pissed you off, Dean" he heard his "workout buddy" Benny say. Benny tossed him a roll of gauze and Dean started wrapping his knuckles up, wincing. He noticed for the first time the spots of blood he left on the floor. Benny grabbed one of Dean's hands, poking at the knuckles,

"Shit, Benny!", he winced. "That fucking hurts!"

Benny shook his head, "Buddy, you're gonna be hurting once you get off this adrenaline kick of yours. I'd suggest going to the ER but I know you won't listen." He gave Dean a long look and sighed ,"Call me if you need something. You know I'd be there for you."

"Don't worry about me, Benny. You know I always end up alright." Dean tried convincing himself as much as he was trying to convince Benny.

As Benny left, he smiled sadly, "Whatever helps you sleep at night.'

That was when Dean consciously decided he'd start drinking early today. After getting somewhat presentable, Dean decided to try a new bar today, to avoid Ca- er, Jimmy, he corrected himself mentally. Wherever he ended up, he wouldn't remember it by the end of the night. Dean went straight to the rum, whiskey and vodka, sometimes mixing the three together. He really felt bad for his liver.

Eventually, the bartenders had decided that he'd had enough and cut him. So, he stumbled outside and, vaguely remembering about Cas/JImmy from the night before, he decided to just camp out in the Impala for the night. Dean promptly threw up near the back tire and barely made it into the car.


	3. Hit the Floor

He sat up, glaring at whoever had woken him up. It was one of the bartenders who'd come outside for a smoke.

Dean rolled down his window, 'Yes?" he said as he pulled out a cigarette of his own and lit it.

"You've been camped here all night, it's time to get out of here or I'll call the cops." the bartender cracked his knuckles.

Dean was itching to pick a fight, but with the state he was in, he knew that he'd get a beating.

But how can I resist….

Dean stepped out of the car, his head pounding, and took a swing at the bartender. The bartender grabbed Dean's hand, punching him in the face. The bartender got some more punches in, busting Dean's lip, before Dean decided he'd had enough and busted the bartender in the jaw. He saw stars for a second when his (still injured) hand had connected with the bartenders jaw. He got into the Impala before the bartender recovered and kicked her into reverse, driving off.

Dean decided it was time to go home. He hated being hung over, but he needed to be drunk. He winced as he gripped the steering wheel, noticing fresh blood under the gauze on his hands.

As he pulled into the parking lot of the apartments, he noticed a figure by his door. When he got out and walked closer, he realised who it was.

Cas… Jimmy was sitting against the door of Dean's apartment, with his eyes closed. When Dean reached him, he crouched down, noticing Jimmy's 5 o'clock shadow.

"...Jimmy…" Dean said, with no reply. Dean shook him, speaking louder, "Jimmy!". He woke up and looked at Dean, sheepishly.

"Dean! You're here finally. I, uhh…" he stopped, when he noticed Dean's face and hands. "Dean! What happened to you?" He said, standing up.  
Dean sighed, "You're the one standing outside my apartment. How about you tell me what you're doing outside my apartment?"

Cas-Jimmy looked down, "Well, I was worried. I thought you might have gotten inebriated again last night. Apparently, I was right. So, I decided to stop by here in the evening to make sure you did not do something you'd regret, or get into an accident. When I saw your car was gone I went to the bar, but you weren't there. I told the bartender to call me if she saw you but I never got a call. So, I decided to stay here and wait for you."

Dean rubbed his jaw and shook his head. He leaned around Cas and unlocked the door. "C'mon."


	4. Weightless

Jimmy walked into Dean's apartment, noticing that things were a little bit neater than when he'd left the other night. He wasn't sure what to make of that. He saw a clean spot on the couch and sat down, watching Dean. Dean had a way of moving, as if he was always waiting for someone to attack him. It maid Jimmy nervous. Who exactly was Dean? Dean slammed his fridge door, causing Jimmy to jump.

"Is something the matter?" He asked Dean.

"I've got no food or beer. Do you mind staying here while I go out and get some?" Dean asked.

Jimmy frowned when Dean had mentioned beer, but he didn't say anything about it, only an "Okay," and pulled out his phone, reading a book on it. Dean rolled his eyes and left.

Jimmy listened for the sound of Dean's car, an Impala, apparently. He peeked out of the curtains when he heard the car start up, and watched as Dean drove off. Jimmy pocketed his phone and stood up slowly. He felt guilty for what he was doing, but he needed... no, wanted answers. He walked over to the kitchen, keeping an ear open for the sound of Dean's car. In the kitchen, he opened the cabinets, noticing that they were pretty bare, except there was an excessive amount of salt. Jimmy opened the fridge, grimacing when he saw the furry block of cheese on the top shelf.

He looked back towards the door, and then glanced at Dean's door. Jimmy slowly maneuvered his way over pizza boxes and beer bottles and made his way over to Dean's bedroom door. He rested his hand on the doorknob, listening for the sound of Dean's car, and turned the knob, slowly opening the door. Whatever he expected, this wasn't it.

Dean's room was absolutely trashed, and Jimmy ventured to think that it hadn't been like that for long. All over the walls were partially torn down maps and newspaper articles. In the trash can were a large amount of photos, but Jimmy didn't want to invade Dean's privacy.

He walked over to Dean's bed. On it, there was a a rumpled, yet clean trench coat and picked it up. Jimmy felt uneasy about it. Dean didn't seem like the kind of guy that would wear a trench coats. Maybe he was just biased, after all, he was never a big fan of trench coats. He froze as he heard the sound Dean's car and dropped the trench coat on the bed and ran out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

He made it back to the couch as Dean opened the door, thanking the Lord that Dean put the couch on the side of the door opposite the opening, which gave him a second to settle in.

"Hello Dean," he said, slightly breathy. Dean gave him a confused look look and set the beer and food on the counter, along with a small, dirty tin.

A thought came to Jimmy, "Dean...?" Dean looked up from the groceries, "Yeah?"

"Tell me, Dean... Are you... religious?" He knew what the answer was going to be, a man like Dean must not have a lot of faith.

Dean gave Jimmy a long look, one of... desperation, Jimmy thought. "As a matter of fact, no.. . But" Dean hesitated. "I do believe in God, you know, Heaven, Hell... Purgatory," those last 3 words were spoken bitterly. "But I do know this... God is a son of a bitch who lets people down. And he won't stop letting us down. Not ever."

Jimmy adjusted his tie, clearly uncomfortable. Dean sighed, "Sorry, I'm sorry about that. You're religious, I f-," and paused, "figured," he ended, lamely. "Anyway, I'm guessing it's time for you to go." Dean started to put away the groceries, not looking at Cas.

Jimmy stood up and coughed awkwardly, "Of course, I need to be going anyway."

Dean turned around suddenly, "Going to meet a girlfriend or something?" He asked, casually.

Jimmy, saddened, explained, "No... no. Actually, my wife divorced me a few years ago, I, uh, had to go away for work and she was tired of waiting up for me. I do not believe I am ready to date at the moment."

"Really?" Dean straightened up, appearing mildly interested, "How come?"

"I, uh... Well, I surmise that you could say I have a loneliness. I assume it's because of my ex wife. Either way, it's not the loneliness that a relationship with someone new could fix. At least, I do not believe so."

"Huh," was all Dean replied, giving Jimmy a look that he hoped wasn't pity. He didn't want Dean's pity.

"I should... go, now." Jimmy said, after the silence got to be too much for him.

Dean got back to the groceries, "yeah, alright."

Jimmy hesitated, "um... Goodbye," he said awkwardly, and turned to leave.

"Bye," Dean whispered so quietly that Jimmy wasn't sure he actually heard anything. He left without another word. Jimmy decided he wouldn't be able to wait until Sunday to go to church. He sighed, looking upwards and wondered what had happened to Dean to cause him to hate the Lord so much.

He had just gotten to his car, a nice, modest (in his opinion), silver Volkswagen, when he heard the sound of glass shattering, but it was was a wet sound. Nervously, he got into his car and looked at Dean's apartment, er... the area where he heard the sound, which just happened to be where Dean lived. At least, that's what he told himself.


	5. Changes

Dean grabbed a beer off the counter and looked at the small, rusty tobacco tin for a long moment. All of a sudden he threw the beer at the wall, shattering it, and leaving a large wet mark on the wall.

"Son of a bitch," he muttered. He picked up the pieces and tossed them in the trash, cutting his hand in the process. Dean went over to the counter and grabbed the tin and stuffed it in his pocket. He left the apartment, slamming the door. He got in the Impala and started to drive. In his agitation, he didn't notice the silver volkswagen following him.

Jimmy followed behind Dean, a safe distance away. He parked near an abandon barn when he saw Dean stopping. He turned his car off and watched Dean from the front seat. Dean had gotten out of his car with a shovel and a can. Jimmy realised it was spray paint as Dean started spraying something on the ground. When he was done, he threw the can off to the side and started digging a hole. It was a small one, because he didn't spend too long digging.

Jimmy saw Dean crouch down and place something in the hole. I hope it isn't a murder weapon Jimmy thought. He watched as Dean stood up. He waited for a few moments and then spread his arms, shouting something Jimmy couldn't hear. He looked down at the clock on the dashboard to see the time. 2:56 When he looked back up, there was a man with Dean.

Dean painted the Devil's Trap and tossed the can aside. He started digging. Once he got a hole large enough, he crouched down and put the tin in the hole and covered it. He stood up and waited.

Spreading his arms out, Dean shouted, "Come on out, you son of a bitch!" A demon appeared, examining his nails. As he looked up and noticed who had summoned him, his expression of boredom became one of fear.

"Dean Winchester. What would you be doing with a lowly crossroads demon. Last I checked, you were BFF's with the King of Hell." The demon wondered.

"Crowley and I didn't part on the best of terms. Anyway, enough chatting. I want to make a deal with you." Dean said, getting down to business.

The demon's eyes widened and he laughed, "You're serious?" All the time you've spent there. And you want to go back?" The demon grinned and shrugged, "It's your funeral. What can I do for you?"

Dean looked the demon in the eyes. "I need an angel."

"You want a what?" The demon asked.

"You heard me." Dean said, get agitated. "But it was stupid of me to assume a crossroads demon would be able to do it." He turned around to walk away.

"Wait!" The demon cried.

"Can you do it?" Dean asked forcefully.

"Of course I can." The demon replied, casually. "You know what it will cost you, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, my soul in 10 years, eternal damnation, et cetera, et cetera. There's just one thing about the deal I forgot to mention." Dean replied, bored. "I need the angel alive. And I need you to get them to me as soon as you get them. Knock the angel out for all I care, but don't injure them too bad. Deal?"

The demon hesitated, knowing that this was probably the most dangerous deal he'd ever make, but it was Dean Winchester. How could he say no. "Deal." Dean walked over to the demon to seal the deal, but the demon held his hand up, calculating. "Five years."

Dean protested, "That's bullshit!" The demon shook his head. "Two and a half. After all, I'm risking a smiting from heaven for your soul."

Dean started to argue, but shut his mouth, seeing the demon's raised eyebrow. "Okay, okay. Two and a half years."

The demon leaned in towards Dean, and kissed him quickly. A look of disgust was present on both of their faces.

Dean shoved a piece of paper with an address on it in the demon's hand and scuffed the edge of the Devil's Trap until it was faded. The demon winked at Dean, "Nice doing business with you," And disappeared.

*Author's Note* If you've gotten this far, I'd like to thank you so much for reading! I have been purposely alternating between the names Cas and Jimmy from Dean's perspective, when it is Jimmy's POV, the name will always be Jimmy. The reason Cas sometimes comes up as a name is because Dean is struggling with his [Jimmy's] identity. Dean still sees him as Cas at times. It that, or the point of view changes have confused you, please message me or leave a review about it. (If you leave an anonymous review, I have no way to contact you to answer your questions. Criticism is welcome!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Criticism is always welcome! If you notice an error and let me know, I'd be happy to fix it :)


	6. In Hiding

Dean destroyed the Devil's Trap and unburied the tin. He stuffed it in his pocket and took the shovel back to the Impala. He slammed the trunk shut and got into the front seat. When he looked in the rear view mirror, he saw a silver car. He ignored it, as he more important things on his mind.

Dean stopped the car at a red light, and pulled out the pack of cigarettes. He lit one and wondered how did I let things get this bad? Dean didn't want to answer that question. He'd lost his best friend but.. there was something more to it, something that he couldn't put his finger on.

Dean wouldn't admit it to himself, but he missed hunting. He had gotten a bit lazy after the... incident with Cas. He'd gotten into a fight with Sam. What the fight had been about was a mistake that they almost payed dearly for...

Dean snapped out of his reverie as he heard a knocking on the window. There was a police officer. Dean rolled down his window, "I'm sorry officer, I got distracted," noticing the light had turned green a long time ago.

"Sir, can you step out of the vehicle?" Dean wasn't sure what was going on, although inhibiting "traffic" was definitely not legal. They better not take his baby for this! He stepped out of the car and put his hands up.

"Dean Winchester. Fancy meeting you here," she said. "I saw that... hideous car of yours and knew it was you." Her eyes turned black and Dean stepped back, reaching into his pocket out of habit. It was futile. He stopped carrying blades most days. Today seemed to be one of those days. If only he could get to the trunk. Dean didn't think he would be able to perform an exorcism when he was so vulnerable to attack.

"Word travels fast in a small town," she laughed. " It turns out Dean Winchester just can't get enough of hell. Oh, you should've watched out. Once some demons found out you were willing to sell your soul once again... they clamoured for the chance to be the one who got to you. I pity the demon who made again deal with you. The others will find out what you were so willing to bargain for and they make sure he doesn't get to it. After all, who wouldn't want Dean Winchester s head on a stake." She paused, "metaphorically, I mean. You're. You're good to anyone dead if you've still got your soul."

Dean had heard enough, the only thing he could think of would be to start exorcising the demon, hopefully he would be able to distract her enough to get a weapon from the trunk.

"Listen bitch, you messed with the wrong hunter tonight, because I'm not gonna let you go easy." that wiped the grin off her face, "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas," she screamed shrilly, running at him, but he pushed her down. "omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio,"

He continued, as she lay there, twitching and fighting the exorcism. He ran to the back of the Impala without stopping the exorcism, "et secta diabolica,  
Ergo draco maledicte et sectio. Ergo draco maledicte et legio secta diabolica," he stopped opening the trunk, seeing the black smoke start pouring out of her mouth and finished the exorcism completely. "Ut Ecclésiam tuam secúra tibi fácias servire libertáte, te rogámus, audi nos".

The smoke shot up out of her and he hoped there wasn't anyone watching. It went down into the earth and Dean looked at the girl who had been possessed. She didn't move. He walked over slowly and nudged her leg with his boot. She wasn't breathing either. Dean looked for any sign of injury, but he couldn't seen any. Feeling her neck, he realised she was dead. And probably had been for a while. He spit on the ground. Damn demons.

He picked her up with his jacket, glad that he'd driven through a small town. The stoplight didn't have any sort of cameras. Dean placed her next to a light pole and called the police from a pay phone. As soon as he was done, Dean hightailed it out of that town. After all, he didn't need to be on the FBI's Most Wanted List.

Again.

Dean drove back to his apartment. Without the threat of attack, there was no way to distract his thoughts. He thought back to last May…

"Dean," Sam came into Dean's room in the bunker, biting his lip anxiously. Dean looked away from his brother. Sammy had that expression on his face.. pity and concern. Dean couldn't stand it. "Dean! I'm worried about you! You haven't left the bunker in weeks. You barely eat or sleep. All you do is sulk … Cas wouldn't have wante-," he was cut of by Dean.

Standing up, abruptly. he shouted, "How the fuck would you know what Cas would have wanted? You don't know a damn thing, Sammy! So, shut the hell up!"

Sam raised his hands, defensively, trying to pacify Dean. "What I'm saying is: I think you should go on a hunt with me. You know, get out of the bunker and get your mind off… things. Please…" Sam gave Dean the puppy eyes that he never could resist. Dean sighed and rubbed his newly formed beard.

"Dammit, Sammy…" he said eventually, his voice hoarse, and looking unusually vulnerable. "I miss him.. and it's…"

"What?" Sam, pushed, desperate for Dean to open up. His brother seemed to be fading and he couldn't stand to watch it.

"Nothing," Dean said, eyes hardening. "But, I'll go on the hunt with you." He sighed, "That was supposed to be our thing, right?"

"You've been grieving," Sam, pleaded, "Don't feel guilty now. I've still been keeping tabs on things."

"Exactly!" Dean exclaimed. "You've been out there risking your ass, while I've locked myself up in here, just… Moping! I'm sick of it!"

Sam was cautious now, something had changed. Dean had barely talked for the past few weeks and now all of a sudden he was spilling it all out like a waterfall. 'Sick of what?" he asked, hesitantly.

"All of it! I'm sorry I haven't helped you, Sammy. And that's going to change." A fierce determination shone in his eyes. Dean wasn't going to disappoint his brother again."This won't be my last hunt."

But that last statement couldn't be further from the truth.


	7. Scars

Before they made plans to leave, Dean decided to take a shower. He was grubby after laying in bed for days on end. It did feel good to be clean again, but Dean was just so tired. He couldn't talk to Sammy about it. What could Dean even say? That he woke up every night screaming Cas's name? That Cas being gone left a hole not even his brother could fix? Dean knew it drove Sam crazy seeing him like this, but how was he supposed to go on like everything was normal? Dean ran his hands through his hair, causing it to puff hadn't cut his hair or shaved for weeks, and frankly, he looked like shit. He got undressed and took a long, scalding shower.

Dean grabbed some clothes and stuffed them in his duffel bag. He got his gun off the desk and stuck it in the waistband of his pants. He walked over to the side table where his blade was hidden. Dean froze. Next to the blade was the picture of everyone. Sam. Jo. Ellen. Bobby. Cas. Dean took the photo out and sat down on his bed. He stared at the picture, lost in thought, until Sam knocked on the door.

"Hey, Dean. You ready?" His voice muffled by the door.

"Yeah, Sammy. I'm... fine," Dean replied.

"I'll, uh... I'll be waiting by the car," Sam said, concerned.

Dean didn't bother replying. He got up, sighing and walked over to his dresser. Sam had gotten him a mirror, God knows why, and he had hung it up a few months ago. It helped for a quick trim or shave, instead of him going to the bathroom. His hand shaking slightly, Dean placed the picture in the frame of the mirror. He stared into his reflection and breathed deeply.

He looked away, a flash of rage burning through him, and slammed his fist into his reflection. Blood quickly started to flow from his knuckles and he relished the sting of the wounds. Dean wrapped his hand in a dirty rag and grabbed his duffel, storming out of the bunker.

Sam was leaning against the Impala. A thought of concern for his baby flitted through his mind. _He better not have scratched the paint_. Upon seeing Dean, Sam put his phone away, and raised his eyebrow.

"Should I even ask?" He said, giving Dean a sigh of resignation.

"Probably not," Dean replied, getting in the Impala. "Let's go."

Sam gave him directions to a town in Illinois, which was a good 10 hours from the bunker. They sat in an uncomfortable silence.

Sam and Dean drove all afternoon, getting there after dark. Because it was nighttime, Dean couldn't tell much about the town, but for some reason he felt a prickling sensation on the back of his neck as they drove, trying to find a motel to stay for the night.

"So, Sam. What's the deal with this case?" Dean asked, trying to distract himself. Sam went into his bag, pulling out an envelope and a small grey box. Before be replied, he opened the box. It was a first aid kit. Dean looked down at the rag on his hand, covered in dried blood. Sam came over with some gauze, hydrogen peroxide and a clean, wet rag. He sat down next to his brother.

"Before we do anything, we're gonna get that cleaned. You'll be messed up for weeks if that gets infected." He reached for Dean's hand. Dean pulled it back. He sighed and rolled his eyes, grabbing Dean's forearm. He untied the blood stained rag and threw it away. Dean looked at Sam apathetically. Sam cleaned the blood off of Dean's calloused hands and pursed his lip.

"Dean I...", he stopped, and poured some of the hydrogen peroxide on Dean's knuckles, although if it stung, he didn't show it.

"What, Sammy?" Dean said, roughly.

"Nothing, just... I'm really worried about you, Dean." Dean stood up, quickly, knocking over the open bottle onto the floor.

"Dammit, Sam!" He said, but Sam knew it wasn't about the bottle. "I'm fine. I buried it a long time ago. And you should too. That's the only way we make it through these things."

Sam stood up. He had dealt with Dean for the past month or so, but things had seem to have gotten worse, rather than better. At first it was drinking. He would go to the bar all the time. And then the rage. Dean would pick fights all the time, but he never fought back. Sam had patched up who knows how many holes in Dean's wall after Dean tried to get Sam to hit him. When Sam didn't comply, Dean would always decide to take it out on the plaster.

Most of the time, he could ignore Dean. On bad days, he would go on about how it was Sam's fault for everything. For their mom. For Jess. Dad's death. Jo. Ellen. The apocalypse. On those days, Sam couldn't deal with it anymore, and would lay a few punches in Dean, before he saw that his brother just took the shots.

But the worst was when he gave up. Dean would just lay in his bed. Sam checked on him every day, and every day it was the same. He would be laying on the bed, in the same clothes he had on the day before, sometimes caked in sweat from his nightmares, staring at nothing. So, when he could, Sam would grab his catatonic brother and drag him to the bathroom. He'd put Dean in the shower and try to clean him up. Sometimes Dean reacted, other times it was like he wasn't even there. It broke Sam's heart to see Dean so broken. He didn't understand why. Sure, Dean and Cas were super close, but he still cared about Cas. He still managed to try to forget, and to go on with the family business. But Dean... Dean had become a mess. And Sam couldn't take it anymore.

He towered over Dean, angrily, "Stop it! Dean, listen to me! You have got to get over this pity party! Alright? I cared about Cas too, but he's gone. And you need to Move. On. With. Your. Life! You can't spend forever drinking and hiding from it all. If you keep burying this, it's gonna kill you. Please Dean, I'm sc-" he choked, anger replaced by a deep sorrow and worry. "Dean, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm gonna lose you. Or that you'll do something stupid and leave me here to do this by myself. And I can't. Dean, I can't do it without you. Please. This isn't you. My brother wouldn't have just given up on it all. I need my brother back." Sam finished. For being a 6'4", 30 year old man, he sure had a way of looking small small and vulnerable at times Dean thought.

Dean exhaled. He certainly hadn't expected his brothers outburst, but he felt he deserved it. He looked at his little brother, ashamed. He had let Sammy down over and over and left him him to deal with both of their pain. Dean couldn't even remember remember where his brothers' last hunt was. If something had happened to Sam while Dean was moping about, he never could have forgiven himself.

"Sammy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You could've gotten killed and I probably wouldn't have noticed." Dean said, sitting back down with his face in his hands, muttering, "I'm so sorry." Over and over.

Sam looked at his brother. Dean had gotten gaunt as of late, his skin stretching over his frame more than Sam was comfortable with. That was why he had made the decision to drag Dean out here. He sat down next next to Dean. "I know you're sorry, Dean. I forgive you. I always do. Now c'mon. Do you want to get started on this case?" Dean nodded, one hundred percent focused on the case.

Sam grabbed the folder. "Four dead so far. All males. All married. All hearts removed" Sam explained.

Dean flipped through the obituaries. _Larry Smith. Marcus Rose. Jeff Walsh. Shane Dowes._

"Werewolf?" Dean asked.

"Well that's what I thought at first too. But then I found the coroner's reports. They weren't torn out, more...cut out."

"Any witnesses?" Dean wondered aloud.

"Yeah," Sam said, "Jeff's mistress."

"Guess I know where we're heading in the morning." Dean said, yawning.

Sam nodded, "Yeah, right." He hesitated. "Night, Dean."

"Night, Sammy," Dean gave him a small smile and turned off the light.

 _It was a start,_ Sam thought. _At least he's showing some emotion. I just hope I didn't make a mistake bringing him here. It could make things that much worse._ He listened listened for Dean's breath. It was even.

 _Hey Hannah,_ Sam thought. _If you're listening... could... could you watch over those two. I can't help either of them right now. I just don't know what to do. Without Cas, Dean's not himself. But he needs needs to go on with his life. If he knows Cas is safe, he'll move on, right? So, please... do whatever whatever it angels do to watch over people. Amen._ Nervous for tomorrow, Sam fell asleep.


	8. Bite My Tongue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note* If you've gotten this far, I'd like to thank you so much for reading! I have been purposely alternating between the names Cas and Jimmy from Dean's perspective. When it is Jimmy's POV, the name will always be Jimmy. The reason Cas sometimes comes up as a name is because Dean is struggling with his [Jimmy's] identity. Dean still sees him as Cas at times. It that, or the point of view changes have confused you, please message me or leave a review about it. (If you leave an anonymous review, I have no way to contact you to answer your questions. Criticism is welcome!

Sam woke up with the sun shining through a crack in the blinds. After stretching, he tried nudging Dean awake, but Dean just grunted and rolled over. Sam rolled his eyes and pulled the covers off Dean's bed.

Dean sat up, "Son of a bitch!" He said, after the warmth of the blanket was replaced by cold air.

Sam shrugged, unapologetically, and went out to the Impala. Dean got up and went to the dingy bathroom and brushed his teeth. Sam came back in with their suits.

"C'mon, we're going to talk to the witness, remember?" Sam answered, noting the confusion on Dean's face.

"Buhbehabntbadbrefast" Dean complained, barely coherent, before spitting out his toothpaste. "And I haven't had any food in hours! Please!" He begged Sam.

Sam sighed, dramatically, but he was secretly pleased to see the change in Dean. He had actually gotten up (with some help) and gotten himself ready today. "Oh, alright," he smiled, "But you've got to eat some fruit, too."

Dean groaned, "That's rabbit food. I can't eat rabbit food. I'm I'm a warrior!"

Sam just shook his head and tossed Dean his suit. Dean rolled his eyes, "Bitch!" and shut the door of the bathroom to get changed.

"Jerk!" Sam called after his brother, grinning. He could tell today was going to be a good day.

When Dean came out of the bathroom, Sam was sitting on his be, already dressed. "Man, you're slow," Sam laughed.

"Really? If I was," he walked over to Sam, "then I guess I couldn't do this," he grabbed his brother, giving him a noogie, laughing. Sam pushed him away, nicely, and fixed his hair.

"Whatever you say, old man," Sam chuckled.

Dean wiped some of Sam's hairs off his jacket and tossed Sam the keys to the Impala. Sam caught them, surprised.

"I figured you'd want to drive today," Dean explained, "Now, c'mon Sammy, I'm starving!"

Sam followed Dean out of the motel room, pleased by Dean's newfound energy.

They ate at a place called, "Lucy's Diner". Dean ordered steak and eggs, and (at Sam's request) a banana. Sam had a kale smoothie.

"Alright," Dean said, with a mouthful of steak, "So what's the deal with the witness," he said, swallowing.

"Well, she said she saw someone take Jeff, although it doesn't give much detail in the police file. He was found in a park by a man who had been out running.

"Awesome," Dean said, exasperated. "I guess we'll pay them a visit after we check out the first witness," he shoveler the rest of the food into his mouth and stood up, throwing throwing a twenty dollar bill on the table. Sam finished off his smoothie and followed after his brother.

"Ms. Norton?" Sam asked.

"Yes? I'm Allison." A tall woman with blonde hair replied, after opening the door.

Sam and Dean took out their badges, "FBI," Dean started, "I'm Agent McCartney, this is my partner Agent Taylor. Don't worry, he's less heterosexual then he looks," Dean winked.

Sam glared at Dean, "I'm sorry, do you mind if we come in to ask you a few questions?" She nodded and turned around. Sam smacked Dean's head, "Ow! What was that for?"

"Really, Dean? You're not going to have sex with her. She's grieving."

"Sammy, I'm hurt! D'you really think I'd do something like that?" Dean asked, innocently.

Sam didn't bother replying, and walked in. The woman was in the kitchen.

"So, Ms. Norton. Can you describe to us what you saw that night? " Sam asked gently.

"It... it was the middle of the night. A man came in through the window. He said something with a foreign accent."

"Can you describe him or anything about him?" Dean probed.

She hesitated, "He was a large man, very muscular. I think he was northern European. Umm, he was dressed in...animal skins. He had a large, no, really large, beard. There was a bow on his... back," she broke down, crying.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Sam said, "What about his wife?" He asked, "You said you were his mistress?"

"He had a very unhappy marriage. But she didn't want a divorce." Sam nodded, and stood up, "Again, I'm sorry for your loss. If you need anything, call this number." He left a business card on the counter.

"Let's go, Agent." Sam grabbed Dean's arm and took him outside.

"So, what are we looking at," Dean asked him.

"I don't know yet," Sam admitted, "I don't think it's a werewolf though. "

Let's go talk to guy who found the body, huh?"

Dean nodded, and got into the car.

As they were driving through the city, Dean felt a prickling sensation on the back of his neck. "Hey, uh, Sammy, do you feel... weird about this place?

Sam clenched the steering wheel, slighly, "No, it's probably all that steak you ate".

Dean shook his head, "No, that's not it. Have we done a case here before?"

Sam hesitated, thinking, "Yeah, probably. Don't worry, alright?"

Dean felt frustrated. Something didn't add up about this. "Yeah, whatever."

They got to a large house a few minutes later. Outside, there were boxes and furniture, with a sigh that said, "For Free."

"Alright, I'll go ask him some questions, you check everything out alright?" Sam decided.

Dean nodded, not really in the mood to talk anyways.

They got out of the car and Sam walked over to the front door. Dean could've sworn he'd seen that house before somewhere. Dean watched as Sam introduced himself to someone that he couldn't see. Dean walked over to the things being given away. Most of of it was junk, some girls shirts, a few blankets.

Something in one of the box's caught Dean's eye. He started digging through it.

At the bottom of the box was a tan trenchcoat.


	9. Voices

Dean was already in the passenger seat when Sam walked back to the car. Sam got in and started driving, "Okay, so get this... " Dean ignored him, "Dean, did you hear me... DEAN... what's going on," Sam asked nervously.

Dean looked at Sam, his normally bright green eyes, stormy. "How long have you known?" He asked.

"Well, I just asked him a few minutes ago...?"

"No, I mean, how the fuck can you explain THIS!" Dean shouted, pulling the trenchcoat from where it was laying at his feet. Sam's smile faltered and he sighed, ignoring Dean momentarily, he pulled into the parking lot of the motel. After parking in front of their room, he shut off the engine.

Sam hesitated, before starting to explain, "Dean, I-"

"You better explain this QUICK," Dean said, angrily. "Why the fuck… why would you bring me back here!?"

Sam bit his lip, "You were a mess, Dean, I had to do something. He just happened to be a witness to the murder."

Dean laughed bitterly, "Murder? Dammit, Sam, you probably made this whole thing up."

"No!" Sam said, quickly pulling out his notebook. "It's a de-"

Dean knocked the notebook out of Sam's hand, causing it to slide under the seat, "I don't give give a flying fuck about what it is. Get out!"

"What?" Sam was confused.

"Get the fuck out of here. Find your own way back to the bunker. And don't you ever... EVER talk to me again."

"Dean, you don't-" Sam tried to argue.

"The hell I don't!" Dean then punched Sam in the face. He heard a crack and blood started to flow from Sam's nose. He got out of the car car and grabbed Sam's bags from the room, throwing them outside.

"Get out. And don't come back." Dean threatened, "Or else."

Sam hurried to grab his stuff, holding his nose to stop the bleeding.

He walked away, not looking back at Dean. Dean kicked the wall, cussing angrily. He slammed the door of of the Impala, grabbing Sam's notebook out from under the seat. Once he couldn't see Sam anymore, he went inside the motel room and threw it in in the trash, locking the door.

He looked at the knuckles of his right hand and ripped the bandaging Sam had put on it off. He was beyond pissed at his brother. Did Sam think it was a joke or something? _"Oh, let's just pop in to see how the empty vessel of our best friend is doing! It'll be great!"_ What a joke. There were times when Sam had done some really stupid shit, but this... _this was just cruel._

_Dean tried to slow down his breathing, but he was so enraged and upset that he couldn't relax.. He pulled the notebook out of the trash, expecting to find a load of crap. Attacker:_

_Bearded, large man. Animal skins and bow, possibly other weapons._

_Victims:_

_Hearts cut out. Lacerations on the body. Hearts found pierced to tree with an arrow. Cupid? Doesn't fit the description. Hunting arrow..._

Dean rolled his eyes and tossed it on the desk. Feeling extremely tired all of a sudden, he went to bed.

"It's all your fault. You're the reason I'm dead." Dean opened his eyes, he was in the room where Cas had been tortured. "It's your fault, Dean."

Dean looked up and saw Cas, laying on the floor. broken and bleeding out. Blood was pooling around Cas's body. Dean reached out to stop the bleeding, but Cas shoved him away. "You're a monster. How do you live with yourself!?" He spoke calmly, disgust in his eyes..

"This is your fault, Dean Winchester. I hope you spend eternity in Hell for this."

Dean fell to his knees. "No! Cas, please."

"He's right, Dean. You're nothing. Useless. We wish you would just drop dead already. It's all your fault. You're good for nothing but killing the people you love. You might as well kill yourself."

Dean pleaded, "Sammy... Cas, please. I can ignore everyone else, but but you guys are my family. Please, don't say that. I can't... I can't..."

"You were never a son to me," he heard Bobby say, "Just a failure. A waste of air. To think I gave my life for you. You're stupid. Your daddy would be proud that you grew up to be a heartless soldier. You ain't worth nothing to me. You just make me sick."

They started yelling, "Monster. Murderer. It's all your fault. Pathetic." Over and over. Their voices rising in pitch, until their voices became became a shrill ringing in his ears. Tears started started to form in Dean's eyes. A gun appeared in front of him. Well, Dean thought, I always said I was gonna die with a gun in my hand...

Dean put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

Covered in sweat, Dean sat straight up. His eyes stung. He realised that his phone was ringing. Without looking at who it was, he picked it up.

"Hello!" He said, breathing heavily still.

On the other end of the line was a quiet sobbing noise, he pulled the phone away to look at who it was. _Sam._

'Sam?" He asked, "Sammy!? Answer me, goddammit. What's going on?"

"He's coming for me... " a woman whispered, hoarsely.


	10. Pain

Dean got out of bed, putting on a shirt. "Who is? Where did you get this phone?" He asked quickly.

"His... jacket... the murderer.. took him... he's coming... for me," she sobbed.

"Don't worry, I'll get you guys out of there!" He hung up.

Dean looked through Sam's notebook, reading the rest of what he wrote supernatural. possibly summoned by someone. he read demigod was circled with a bunch of question marks. Dean threw his shoes on, it could be worse, at least we've got a wooden stake he thought, running to the impala. He started tracking Sam's number, praying that Sam has left his GPS on like they had agreed. Dean started to drive when he got the location, a warehouse about 10 minutes away. Easy enough, I can make it there in five.

True to his word, Dean arrived there sooner than expected. He got the wooden stake out of the trunk and loaded his gun. Making his way towards the door, he noticed some leaves on the ground that definitely weren't from around here. Dean grabbed the door handle, the nightmare pushed to the back of his mind. Opening door slowly, he made his way past it, without too load of a creak. In the middle of the room was a woman, with one hand cuffed to a pipe above her head. Dean ran over to her. She was deathly pale. It was the woman they interrogated earlier.

He shook her shoulder a little, "Allison... hey," he smiled as she looked up, and he uncuffed her, "That's right, easy there, we're gonna get you out of here, alright? Can you tell me where they took my partner?" He asked.

She pointed towards towards a darkened hallway, "Great, just stay here and we'll come and get you," giving her hand a squeeze, he got up and ran down the hall.

Dean heard no other sounds but his breath and the shards of glass, breaking underfoot. He bit his lip, listening for voices. A little further down the hall, he heard a pained shout that sounded suspiciously like Sam's. Dean ran down to the end of of the hall. There was a doorway leading to a basement. He creeper down the steps, cringing at his brothers screams. Rushing down the stairs as quietly as he could, Dean saw a his brother tied up, dangling from the ceiling. He gripped the stake in his hand. In front of Sam was a mountain of a man, easily 7 feet tall. He was large, like a boulder and just as Allison described him. The demigod had a knife in his hand.  
"Why couldn't you leave well enough alone? I was just doing my job." He spoke in a Scandinavian accent and Dean fought the urge to chuckle.

But when he saw Sam's body, he sobered up, all over Sam were cuts, some deep. It was just like Cas.

"What? Cutting out people's hearts?" Sam asked, angrily.

"I took some... creative liberties. But it made sense, no? They broke the heart of their lovers, so I break their heart" He explained, the tip of his knife above Sam's heart. "And since you meddled, I have to do the same to you." The tip of his knife started to dig into Sam's chest, Sam let out a roar of pain. Dean lost it then. He snuck along the edge of the room until he was behind the monster. As soon as Dean was behind him, he shoved the blade into the beast's back, pushing with all his strength. The demigod started to turn around, surprised. He then fell to the floor with a thump. Dean watched as he started to fade away, until there was nothing left in the room. He looked back at Sam, and cut the rope. He held Sam as he slumped towards the ground.

"Easy, tiger. I got you. I got you." He held Sam, "I'm so sorry, Sammy."

Sam nodded, weakly. "C'mon Sammy, let's get you out of here."

With Dean supporting most of Sam's weight, they maneuvered their way upstairs. Dean was panting heavily by the time he had gotten Sam upstairs. He bit his lip nervously at Sam's haggard appearence. They made their way over to the woman, who was, luckily, able to walk by herself. After the promise that she would keep her mouth shut, they drove her to the hospital.

Sam grimaced as he got out of the car once they reached the motel. Dean helped him walk to the room. When they got inside, Dean set his brother down on his bed and got a clean rag, damping it. He looked Sam over, "Well, it looks like you'll need a new shirt," Dean chuckled sadly.

"Shut up," Sam smiled.

Dean took the shredded remains of his brothers shirt off of him and started cleaning him up, some of the cuts still bleeding. After patching his brother up, he looked out the window. The sun was starting to come up.

Dean looked back at his brother, "C'mon Sam, let's get out of here?" Dean said, wanting to erase this town from his memory.

Sam nodded, "and dean...? I'm sorry about-"

"Don't worry about it," Dean brushed him off, "Let's just get out of here, okay?" He helped Sam off the bed and walked him to the Impala. After checking out and grabbing Sam's stuff from his motel, they drove back to the bunker.

The entire ride home, Dean remained silent. Sam had tried to talk to him, but Dean would just turn the radio on whenever Sam tried to say something. So, he gave up, eventually falling asleep.

It was the middle of the afternoon when they got back to the bunker. After waking Sam up, Dean helped him to his room, noticing that Sam had some color again. He helped Sam into bed, before he left, his brother gave him a groggy thank you.

"Night, Sammy." Dean said. He turned the light off and left Sam's room. As soon as he was outside, he breathed breathed a sigh of relief.

Sam woke up a few hours later, and went to the kitchen to search for some food. He didn't see Dean anywhere, and went to his room to look for him. Dean wasn't in his room, but a paper on his pillow caught Sam's attention.

_Sammy,_

_I'm so sorry for what I said. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have almost gotten killed. Please don't search for me. I need some time to sort things out._

_Dean_


	11. Another You

The sound of firecrackers broke Dean from his trance. The Impala had been idling outside his apartment for a while as he had thought back to those terrible days. Dean shut her off and went inside. Hearing the sound of more firecrackers, Dean realised what day it was. It was the Fourth of July.

"Guess it's time to kick back with some burgers and booze, right, Cas?" Dean said, still partially stuck in his memories. He sighed  _yep, burgers and booze._

Dean grilled himself a couple of burgers and grabbed a beer. He went outside and sat on the hood of the Impala, watching the sun start to set.  _The real shows are gonna start soon_ he thought.  _Man, Cas , I really wish you were here to see this._

Dean jumped at the sound of a voice.

"Mind if I join you?" Dean heard Jimmy ask.

"Dammit, Ca-can't you announce yourself before scaring me like that? What are you even doing here?" Dean asked Jimmy, not looking at him.

"Well, I figured you might want some company," Jimmy explained.

Dean scoffed, "What? You saying I don't have friends?"

"No!" He had a sad expression on his face that was very Cas-like. "It's just… you don't seem the type of person to see friends that often, especially like this."

"Like what?" Dean asked.

Cas shook his head, "Nothing… besides, the real reason I came was to give you this." He handed dean a container. Dean opened it. Inside was an apple pie.

"Son of a bitch." Dean muttered.

"I'm sorry, you looked like the type of guy who likes pie, but I didn't know what to get, so I figured "Apple pie, it's the most American pie, why not?" and I'm sorry, I don't know what I was-" Jimmy babbled, nervously.

'Jimmy!" Dean said, interrupting him.

"Uh, yeah?" Jimmy said.

"Thank you." Dean gave him a small smile.

Jimmy grinned, sheepishly, and nodded, "No problem."

They made eye contact, and Dean looked away quickly.  _They're still Cas's eyes_ he thought to himself.  _Well, technically, they were Jimmy's to begin with._ Dean's internal "Sam" argued.  _Bitch… Jerk._

Dean smiled a little and chuckled to himself. That would be something Sammy would say though.

"What about you? Don't you have any family or friends that you'd rather spend time with?" Dean asked him, suddenly.

"Um, for some reason my memory is a bit shaky, but no. My wife left with my daughter Claire a few years ago. I sold house about a month ago, actually. I decided I needed a fresh start. It didn't seem… right, being in that house." Jimmy told him.

Dean looked at him incredulously.  _Cas, that's because you don't belong there. You belong with us. With your family. Dammit Cas, you need to get back to your trench coaty, angel of the lord self. Please._

"Oh," was Dean's reply. He nodded, "makes sense… What brought you here then?"

Jimmy bit his lip, "This is going to sound stupid, but-" Dean sat up straighter."I felt… an urge to go this way. The day I sold my house, I wasn't sure where to go. But I think God brought me here for a reason."

"Why's that?" Dean asked him.

Jimmy shook his head and looked down, "To be honest, I'm not really sure. I just know that there's a reason for everything, right?"

Dean kicked at some pebbles on the ground, "Yeah, I guess so. Hey... want a burger?"

Cas perked up, "Yeah, sure!" Dean remembered about the events surrounding Famine and how Cas had been stuffing himself full of burgers.

He followed Dean into his apartment, bringing the pie with him.

Dean got another plate out for Jimmy, who was grinning, "Did you make these burgers yourself?" He asked Dean.

"What kind of question is that?" Dean said indignantly, "Of course I did. I can cook!"

Cas grabbed a burger once Dean handed him the plate, "They look really good!" He loaded it full of ketchup , mustard and pickles.

After taking a bite, Jimmy looked outside the open door and stood up, "C'mon Dean!" He said, holding the paper plate in one hand and the pie in the other.

Dean followed as Cas ran outside. Just as they made it out of the door, the fireworks show started. Cas stuck his tongue out at Dean, grinning, he went to sit down on the hood of the Impala. Dean sat down next to him, smirking. He had to admit, it was pretty impressive, seeing he fireworks. He never really got to see them. With his family hunting all the time, they never really got a break.

He opened up the pie container and was about to dig in, before Cas made some noise through the burger in his mouth.

Dean rolled his eyes, assuming Cas wanted some too, and waited for him to finish. Swallowing quickly, Cas handed Dean a plastic fork that he had grabbed earlier. "Here you go!" He got a fork for himself.

Dean looked at him. Jimmy was wearing dark wash jeans and a white T shirt.  _He looks pretty damn good,_ _but I miss the trench coat._  Dean stopped at that, and instead, focused on eating the pie.

He looked at Cas again, "Uh, Ca-" he coughed, "Jimmy, you've got some pie right here," motioning to the corner of his lip.

Jimmy wiped at the opposite lip.

"No," Dean said, "here, let me get it," wiping at the spot gently.

Cas looked at him. Dean could've swore there was real recognition. That Cas really was there. But as Dean searched his deep blue eyes, he knew that it was just his imagination. He leaned forward, hesitantly.  _What the hell am I doing?_  He thought.  _This is stupid. He's straight, right?_

Sensing what Dean was going to do, Cas met him halfway.

And as the dark July sky filled with fireworks, Dean hesitantly pressed his lips against Cas's, slowly, as if he moved too fast, Cas would just disappear.

Dean's thoughts were scattered but one word stood out.  _Cas_


	12. Far From Home

When Dean realised the fireworks had stopped, he pulled back. Cas looked slightly dazed, and he snapped his fingers to get Cas's attention.

"Hey, uh, you should probably go home," Dean said.

Jimmy looked away, "Yeah, of course" Without another word, he got up and left. Dean watched as he got into his car and drove away.

Dean got up and went back into the apartment after picking up their trash. He shut the door behind him.

He heard the shrill ringing of his cell phone. "Hello?"

"Dean Winchester ," a vaguely familiar voice stated, "I just wanted to inform you that I'm close to getting an angel."

He sat up, "Don't hurt them, but trap them in a circle of holy oil. Somewhere private."

"There's a warehouse outside of town. Would that work?"

"Yeah, perfect, text me the coordinates."

He heard the demon snort, "the things I do for souls. You're lucky you're so famous, otherwise I wouldn't have done this."

"Yeah, yeah, but there are others who would." Dean replied. "Just text me the location and let me know when you grab the angel." Without waiting for a reply, he hung up.

Only after he was in bed, did he fully realise what had happened today. Dean groaned. What was I thinking? Jimmy's gonna not want anything to do with me now.

Dean thought back to the deal he made. He thought he was doing the right thing, but now he wasn't to sure. _Is it right to force him to become an angel again? What if he likes being Jimmy?_  Everything was so much easier when all Dean saw was black and white.

Although the real question he had was one he tried not to think about. _Would Cas even like me like Jimmy does? Or would I be just a friend?_  For some reason, that thought caused his stomach to drop _. I don't have to worry about that right now, I'll deal with it when the demon finds me. Cas would be pissed about my soul, but he would do the same for me and Sammy. If only the angels were listening to me, though._

He spent the night tossing and turning, recalling the events of the day, unable to forget the feeling of Jimmy's lips.

His first kiss with a guy and the circumstances surrounding it were screwy.

Dean didn't even know what a real relationship was. The closest he had to one was with Lisa, but could never go back to her and Ben. It was just too dangerous. But even if Cas did remember, he wouldn't want to be with Dean. They were just friends. And Dean could handle that.  _I hope_.

* * *

In the morning, Dean made made a decision he hoped he wouldn't regret. Dialing a number, he held his breath as the phone was ringing.

"Dean?" He heard his brother say. It was the first time they had spoken since Dean left.

"Hi, Sammy."

"Dean! What happened to you? I- I wanted to look for you, but I didn't know where to start."

"Dammit, Sammy. I thought I told you not to look for me."

"If it were me, would you just not look."

Dean didn't answer. He didn't want to get into a fight with Sam.

"Was it Cas?" Sam asked him, quietly.

"What?" Dean said, thinking for a moment that his brother knew about the kiss, "Oh... yeah, it was."

"So, why'd you all of a sudden decide to call?"

"I've, uh, sorta been thinking. If somehow, we could turn Cas back... should we?"

Sam was silent."What do you mean, Dean? What's happened?"

"Nothing, I just- I'm wondering if he's happy as a human. No hunting, no getting killed, just living a long, happy life."

"Dean, he wasn't happy last time we saw him. His 'wife'," Sam emphasised,"left him, he had no friends. And he's not even Jimmy. Jimmy died a long time ago."

Dean's phone buzzed.

"Yeah, I know. Sorry, Sammy, something came up." Dean hung up.

It was all the convincing he needed. Sam was always the better of the two of them, so if he faced no moral dilemma, it was the right thing.

So why was Dean so torn?

 _You're being selfish. You're just afraid he won't love you_. Dean tried to ignore those thoughts, but he knew they were true _. I'm such a coward he thought._

He looked at the text. It was from an unknown number.

 **37 Crowley Road**.

 **Classy**  he texted back.

**So I've been told**

**Hey, what happens if your boss finds out?**

**We're not really supposed to be making deals with the Winchesters, but... He'd probably kill us both.**

**Awesome.**

**Just get here if you want the angel.**

**OMW**

Dean ran out to the Impala, driving a bit recklessly. He walked inside the warehouse and saw the angel and demon. The demon looked over. Seeing Dean, and smirked.

"I've filled my end of the bargain." He tapped the watch on his wrist and disappeared.

Dean stared at the flame flickering, before walking over to the angel.

"Dean Winchester?" She said, incredulously.

"The one and only. " he poured some water onto the the circle, dousing the flames.

"I assume there is something you want from me?" She said, her voice flat.

He nodded, "Don't look so serious. I just need some answers."

She gave him a look of curiosity. "Really? And what would you want to know?"

"What do you know about the situation with the angel Castiel?"

Her eyes hardened, "There's been a few rumours. Whispers mostly. That he's dead, or worse."

"I'd say or worse," Dean stated. "He had his grace stolen." She gasped, "And his memories replaced. He thinks he human." Dean explained, hoping he wouldn't regret telling her.

"So, what is it you want me to do about it?" Despite her air of indifference, Dean could see she was concerned.

"Can you fix him?"

"Get him his grace? No, I do not believe I could do so."

"Can you atleast get him his memories back?" He asked.

She froze, contemplating, "Yes... I believe so."

"Great!" He smiled.

"Pardon me for intruding, but," she spoke, "Why didn't you just pray? Why go through some barbaric method which probably cost you," looking at his chest, "more than this was worth."

"Cas is worth more than you can imagine!" He argued, angrily. "Besides, I already tried. Someone upstairs is blocking my calls."

She nodded, her blue eyes turning steely. "To take an angels grace is one of the worst crimes against our brothers and sisters. We will find who did this, and they shall be punished."

"So, you'll help him?"

"Indeed, and I know where he is." She reached out and touched his forehead.

* * *

Jimmy was in the grocery store. He recalled what happened last night.

 _How could I have been so stupid. Obviously, Dean wasn't meaning to kiss me. That's why he got upset. I'm an utter idiot_. He closed his eyes, mentally berating himself. There was an odd fluttering noise.

"Whoa there. Better watch where you're going." He heard heard a familiar voice say. Opening his eyes, he saw Dean with a female in front if his cart.  _Where did they come from? Oh great, this must be his girlfriend. He came here to apologise for accidentally leading me on and that he he doesn't swing that way-_

"Hello?" Dean asked him, concern showing on his face.

"Oh, sorry. I'm here."

"Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my friend-" he looked at her, still unsure of her name.

There was a silence, "oh! My name is Rahmiel. You must be Jimmy."

Jimmy looked at Dean in confusion _. What an odd name._

"Her parents were immigrants." Dean explained.

"No, my father is the creator-"

"Yes, yes, we know."  _She's a little sensitive_  Dean mouthed.

"Nice to meet you, Rahmiel." Dean walked around the cart and whispered in Jimmy's ear. "She thinks she's psychic or something crazy like that."

"Now, Dean, anything's possible if God wills it." He replied, quickly, seeing seeing the crucifix she wore.

"Yeah, I know. Just, can she work her mojo on you?"

 _Dean having a Christian girlfriend? Who would have thought?_  "Sure, I don't mind."

Dean looked at Rahmiel and nodded. "Close your eyes." Dean said, quickly. He complied. There was another fluttering sound and he felt like his weight had shifted. Rahmiel placed her hands on his temples. There was a burst of white light from behind his eyelids and he cried out in agony. That was the last thing he remembered before he blacked out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's Note* If you have a good idea, feel free to let me know of it and I might implement it into the story. I hope you're enjoying it so far


	13. Makes Me Wonder

Dean grabbed Cas as he started to slump to the floor. Looking at Rahmiel, "What did you do to him!" he shouted.

She rolled her eyes, "Calm yourself, Dean Winchester. He is just resting. His mind needs to sort itself out."

"Great, so Cas's head is full of jelly." Dean said,"What if he doesn't wake up?"

"He will. It will be some time."

Dean sighed. "Could you do me one last favor."

"Humans truly are a needy bunch, are they not?" She shook her head. "One last favor, and then I am afraid I will have to return to Heaven."

"My apartment is in town. Can you zap us there?"

She nodded, "I suppose I can." She leaned forwards and touched Dean's head.

Dean sat Cas in the passenger seat of the Impala and started packing his things. He put his clothes in the suitcase that he had brought with him so many months ago. The only other things he grabbed were the weapons he kept in the apartment, the picture of his mom and the picture of him, Cas, Sam, Bobby, Jo and Ellen, the bags of salt and Cas's trenchcoat.

He covered Cas in the trenchcoat and put the boxes in the backseat and started driving.

* * *

 

Sam was eating cereal, when he heard a knock on the bunker door. Grabbing his gun, he ran up the stairs, and slowly opened the door. Outside was his brother, holding an unconscious Jimmy. He pocketed his gun. "Dean."

"Just, help me get him to my room, Sammy, this guy weighs a ton!" Sam reached out and helped his brother carry Jimmy all the way to Dean's room. _Oh God, what did he do now?_

After they placed him on Dean's bed, Dean ran back out to the Impala. He came back with Cas's trench coat, and placed it on top of him.

"Did you do it, Dean?" Sam asked him, quietly, watching Jimmy. "I mean- is it... is it Cas?"

Dean was silent for a moment, "God, I sure hope so."

Sam looked over at his brother, "Dean, you gotta give me something. You disappeared for months on end, then you show up, dragging someone who may or may not be Cas. Give me something" he begged Dean.

Dean ran his hands through his hair, "C'mon, let me grab a cup of coffee first." He left the room and went to the kitchen. Sam shook his head and followed after Dean.

After getting some coffee, Dean started to explain, leaving out a few important details. "I was able to get in contact with an angel. She was able to fix his noggin."

Sam stared at his brother in awe, "What I don't understand is, how did you even find him."

Dean shrugged, "No idea, he just kinda showed up. Speaking of which, let's go back and check on him."

Sam chuckled lightly man, who knew Dean could worry so much.

Cas woke up to an unfamiliar ceiling. He sat up, slowly, and his brain began to put the pieces together. _Why am I on Dean's bed?_ He looked down _My coat!_ Cas brought it up to his face and sniffed it. _Why does it smell strongly of Dean?_ Just as he was pondering that, Dean and Sam came in. Dean had been saying something to Sam when he looked over. When he saw Cas was awake, he dropped the mug that was in his hand, shattering it and getting the remaining amount of coffee on the carpet.

"Cas!" Dean said, relieved. Cas, still holding his trench coat, tried to stand up, but a wave of vertigo hit him and he swayed. Dean ran over and grabbed him,"Easy Cas, you've been out of it for a while."

Cas was silent, "I don't like this, Dean. It feels as if someone is hitting my head."

Dean smiled, "It's good to have you back."

After Cas was able to stand on his own, Sam walked over and gave him a hug. "We missed you Cas."

Cas was confused, but before he could say anything, a large rumbling sound emitted from his stomach.

"Dean!" He said, concerned.

Dean gave him a sad, knowing smile, "About that... you sorta lost your mojo."

"Listen," Sam said, "the bunker's a little lacking in food. D'you want to go out for some food and we can explain it all?"

"I believe I would enjoy a hamburger," Cas decided, seriously.

"Alright," Dean said, clapping his hands together. "Let's go get some burgers.

* * *

 

"Basically, you lost your mojo, and your memories along with it. We were blocked from heaven, so there was no way to help you, until I finally got in contact with an angel." Dean finished, watching Cas.

Cas nodded, devouring a burger. Dean remembered their kiss. "So, you really don't remember anything?" He asked Cas.

Cas shook his head, "No, there's nothing I can recall."


	14. Where Did the Angels Go

At that point, Sam had steered the conversation, talking to Cas about the hunts he had been on. Dean remained quiet, ignoring the conversation.

When Cas said those words, all remaining hope that Dean had drained away, leaving a pit in his stomach. Dean felt horrible for thinking that way, but he secretly regretted fixing Cas. _No he thought no, that's not true. I know Cas doesn't love me, but it's better than nothing. He's still my best friend._  Sitting up, he joined in the conversation.

"There was this one time when me and a couple of hunters joined up to flush out a nest. They were insane. These vamps were reenacting Twilight. Made themselves sparkle and everything. It was really bizarre. But we got them all in the end."

"Dude, what is it with all the monsters acting up." Dean interjected, "Remember that time with the shapeshifter?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah!" Sam exclaimed, excitedly, like a puppy. "He would change himself to look like different creatures of horror movies." Looking at Cas. "You would have liked being on the case."

"It seems we have a lot of making up to do," Cas said. "Tell me. Did you two restart the apocalypse while I was gone?"

Sam and Dean looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"If only," Sam laughed.

Dean stood up, "Well, now that Cas is done stuffing his face," he grinned as Cas looked down, "I say we go out and get a drink this evening after we get you cleaned up. After all, you've got a working liver and a body that can feel a buzz," he winked.

Sam laughed again, "Sounds like a plan to me!" He stood up and threw a twenty dollar bill on the table. Dean looked at his brother, smiling, and his best friend back in a trench coat. While it wasn't the best of circumstances, Dean was happy.

* * *

They got back to the bunker and Sam led Cas to a bedroom. "I figured you'd need somewhere to sleep until we get you sorted out." He explained, "There's some of your suits in the closet," Cas walked over to the closet."But from what Dean said, you've be dressing a bit more... casual." He chuckled. Cas wrinkled his nose, stroking a suit. "I think I'll be fine with my suits." He was silent, until he heard the sound of the shower running, "Dean." He whispered, "how was he? After I... left."

Understanding what he meant, Sam sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. "It was... rough, at first. But he was getting better-" Sam stopped.

Cas turned around and looked at him, "until...?"

"I was trying to get him out of the bunker, you know, thinking that if he had a hunt, he could get his kind off if the... situation. I found a hunt, actually, because of you. You were a witness to something. But it was purely coincidental. At least, that's what I was trying to tell myself. I think Is had secretly hoped that seeing you happ, or something, would help him get better. While I questioned you, Dean saw your trench coat in a box. You were giving it away." A look of horror crossed Cas's face. He did love that trench coat...

"Anyway, he got pissed and kicked me out. Told me to find my own way home. So I had to work on the case myself. I realised it was a Norse demigod, Vali. I tracked him down at the house of a victims mistress. He took us both. She managed to get my phone and call Dean. He managed to safe me before my heart got cut out, only because I had interfered though. I was a bit worse for wear. I guess he couldn't stand seeing me get injured "on his watch", so he wrote me a note and left. I don't know much of what happened while he was away. All I know is he called me one day and then shows up here with you unconscious." Sam explained. "But he looked like shit, to be honest."

Cas nodded, "I truly am sorry, Sam. If it weren't for me..."

"If it weren't for you," Sam interjected, "We'd be rotting in the ground and the world would have burned... metaphorically. You saved us, Cas. Don't ever feel bad for that."

Sam put his hand on Cas's shoulder and squeezed it, getting up. "There should be a towel and a razor in the dresser. Just don't use up all the hot water." He left the room. Cas went over to the dresser, grabbed the towel and razor and stood outside the bathroom door. The door opened and Dean came out, in just a towel, holding his clothes. Suprised at seeing Dean, he dropped his clothes. "Jesus, Cas! You trying to give me a heart attack?"

Cas bent down quickly to grab them. Dean licked his lips. Cas handed him his clothes. "No, why would I be trying to block the flow of oxygen to your heart?"

Dean stared at him and burst out laughing. He rubbed Cas's hair, "Man, I missed that."

Cas watched Dean as he walked back to his room, admiring Dean's back. He's very fit. Shaking his head, Cas sighed and went into he bathroom to take a shower.

Cas had to admit that he enjoyed the human sensation of showering and eating. The warmth of the water was something that he enjoyed, but he didn't like feeling so powerless.

He decided to go outside to get some fresh air. Being a human was confusing, but the confusion he felt about Dean Winchester wasn't something caused by being human. There was just something about Dean. We have a profound bond... If only Dean saw it that way. He sat down, watching a bee buzzing near him and smiled. He heard someone walking across the gravel towards him. "You know, you're supposed to wear clothes when you go outside." He heard Dean say. Cas stood up quickly, holding the towel up. "I just forgot" he said, defensively, and looked at Dean, who was chuckling. He cleans up nicely. The red shirt he was wearing seemed to intensify thr green in Dean's eyes. "Is your shirt enchanted?" He asked Dean.

Dean gave him a confused look, "Um, no?"

Embarrassment surged through Cas. He started walking back to the bunker to get dressed in real clothes.

Dean watched Cas _. Damn, he looks pretty hot._

Dean wanted to help Cas remember when he was human, but he was afraid.  _Jesus, what am I, fourteen? I can handle rejection. So what if Cas decides that kiss was a mistake? I can- I can handle it._  He ran his hand through his hair.  _It'll be fine tonight, I can forget about it then._

Cas disappeared into his room after that, presumably to sleep. Dean and Sam played some games and caught up as they let Cas rest.

* * *

In the evening, they decided to go to a nightclub outside of town. A few drinks in, some girls, they looked to be in their twenties, pulled Cas onto the dance floor. After giving Sam and Dean a fearful look, he went with them. Sam laughed as he saw Cas's discomfort at the women 'dancing' on him.

"Hey, I'll be right back. Keep an eye on Stud, will you." Dean stood up. Sam nodded, still watching Cas and the gyrating women.

Dean walked outside. He had trouble find time to to smoke with Sam and Cas around. I really need to quit. Those two'll kill me if they find out.

He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. A woman walked over to him.

"I think I have something you need," she smiled at him.

"No thanks, honey. I don't do prostitution. You could be a cop for all I know, anyways."

She laughed, "That's not what I meant. I'm a witch."

Dean reached for his gun.

"Easy! I'm one of the good guys. My name's Helena. One of my powers is sensing when others are in distress or need assistance." She looked him over. "I'm not sure what kind of assistance you need"

Dean snuffed out the cigarette and tossed the butt in the trash. "I hope you're not lying. I have a friend. An angel. He's lost his mojo..."

She shook her head, "While my powers are vast, that is one thing I can't fix."

Dean sighed, "Right. Awesome. Well... he also lost him memories. At least, he doesn't have his memories from the past few months. Can you get him his memories back?"

She smiled, "of course. That's easy for me to do. I assume he's here with you tonight?"

Dean nodded, "He's the one with a trench coat who looks uncomfortable."

She smiled again, and walked into the club. "I'll be right," she called over her shoulder.

Dean leaned against the wall, waiting for her to get back. His fingers tapped out the beat to "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath on his thigh.

Helena came back outside a few minutes later. He straightened and smiled nervously.

She walked over to him, slowly, frowning. "There seems to be an issue." Dean's smile slipped off his face.

"What happened?"

"It seems your friend has already regained his memories."

 


	15. Lonely Day

Dean looked at her, blankly, "That's not funny. You better explain what the hell's going on, or I swear to God, I'll kill you myself."

She rolled her eyes, "You're hotheaded. Has anyone told you that?" Looking at him, sympathetically, she explained, "I'm not sure if he gradually regained them, or if he had them this entire time."

"He didn't sell his soul or anything, did he?" Dean asked.

"No. I didn't sense anything magical about it. For whatever reason, your friend is hiding the truth from you."

Dean inhaled, trying to calm himself, "Does he have all his memories?"

She hesitated, thinking, "...No, I think his memories are a bit... fragmented."

Dean nodded, not sure whether to be relieved or not.

"Why did you even bother helping me? Aren't most witches like evil or something?"

She frowned, "Obviously not. I'm a Jain. I believe in nonviolence. Part of my religious beliefs is to help others."

Dean nodded, "Well thank you for helping me."

She smiled, sadly, "I'm only sorry I couldn't do more."

Dean watched as she walked away.

He went to the Impala and sat down in the drivers seat, hoping Sam and Cas wouldn't take long. He texted Sam

**Hows our lover boy**

**The ladies love him.**

_**Downloading Image** _

Dean looked at the picture. Cas had a group of women around him at the bar. A few were even draped over him. He was laughing along with the women.

Dean felt a burst of jealousy. He knew things would be never be the same between them. Cas was into women and Dean was into Cas.

**Cool lol** Dean replied back

**So, where are you?**

**In the car. it got stuffy BC of all the people**

**Oh, of course. That makes sense.**

**Why dont you rescue our damsel in distress? Its late**

**Alright, see you in a minute.**

Dean waited for over five minutes

**Wtf sammy, why is it taking you so long**

**Because of this**

_**Downloading Image** _

There was a picture of Cas kissing a redhead, the other remaining women, sulking in the background. His stomach dropped and he gripped the phone tightly.

**K hurry up**

Dean leaned his head against the seat, sighing heavily, "fuck me," he muttered.

A few minutes later, the door behind him opened and Dean heard Cas drunkenly laugh to Sam about something. Sam chuckled and, after buckling Cas in, shut the door quietly and got in beside Dean. Dean looked at his brother, who whispered, "He's a flirty drunk."

Dean nodded and started the Impala. He was silent for the rest of the ride home.

By the time they got back to the bunker, Cas was fast asleep in the backseat. Dean got out of the Impala and walked into the bunker, ignoring his brother, who was asking for help with Cas. To be fair, he did leave the door open for them.

Dean went to his room and locked the door behind him, not wanting to put up with either of them. He could hear Sam grunting as he dragged Cas through the bunker. He put his headphones on and played some Lynyrd Skynyrd, falling asleep to the music.

* * *

 

The week that followed was an awkward one for all three of them. Dean would go to work before Sam and Cas woke up, and would stay as late as he could. Cas had spent most of the week in his room, apparently meditating, as Sam had texted Dean multiple pictures during the week.

 

While Dean was working on a car, he heard his phone blowing up with messages. He rolled his eyes and wiped his hands on his jeans, pulling his phone out and reading the messages.

**Deeeeeean!**

**C'mon Dean, answer me.**

**Dean**

_**Downloading Image** _

**He's acting weird.**

**So are you...**

**Nice shirt. ;)**

Dean looked up. His brother was leaning against the doorway, his expression grim.

So, you decided a week alone with Mr. Zen was too much and you needed needed the company of your favorite brother?" Dean asked, exasperated.

Sam rolled his eyes, "Kind of. But mainly I'm just worried about you guys. I figured that there'd be a bit more... bonding, since, you know, CAS is back. But no, both of you are just sulking like a couple of petulant children."

"A couple of petu-what children?" Dean frowned, confused.

Sam sighed dramatically, "Petulant: sulky, grumpy, bad-tempered, snap-"

"Yeah, yeah," Dean waved at Sam, vaguely, "I got it. So what?"

"So," Sam said, walking over to Dean, "You guys are gonna talk it out."

"What? There's nothing to talk about!"

"Then you won't have a problem coming back to the bunker." Sam grabbed his brothers arm and started dragging him out the door.

"Hey!" Dean protested, "I- I have to work!"

Sam continued pulling, "I talked to your boss. He's as worried as I am and said I could take you."

Dean stopped fighting and mumbled under his breath. Dammit, Sammy, why can't you mind your own business. Sam let go only when they got to the Impala. He can't take me back without the keys.

As if sensing his brothers thoughts, Sam jingled the keys, triumphantly. "Get in."

Dean glared at Sam and got in, "How did you get my keys?"

Sam started the Impala, "You shouldn't struggle so much, it makes it easier to steal things without you noticing."

Dean didn't reply to that, and just stared out the window the entire ride back to the bunker. Even though Sam tried to make conversation, Dean would just ignore him. When they got back to the bunker, there was a lot of door slamming on Dean's part. Sam followed Dean into the bunker and led him to the basement. He opened the doors hidden behind the bookcase. Dean laughed, nervously. "You know the demon's trap won't hold me?" Sam huffed, "Yes, I know that. Just sit down and stay there."

Dean sat in one of the two chairs, bringing back memories of when they had Crowley chained up here.

Sam went upstairs. I wish they'd both just grow up already. He knocked on Cas's door.

"Come in," he heard Cas say.

Sam opened the door. Cas was on the floor, in the same position he had been in all week.

"Having fun with the Lotus?"

Cas breathed in deeply, "Yes, it helps me think."

"Good. You can think out loud then."

Cas opened his eyes, "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

Sam put his hand out and Cas grabbed it. He pulled his friend up. "I want to show you something."

Cas followed him, "Well, of course, Sam. What is it?"

He lead Cas downstairs, "Cas, have you had anything to eat lately?"

Cas thought, "No. I haven't been hungry."

Sam sighed, "That's what I thought."

He opened the doors, where Dean was sitting in the chair, bored. Sam shoved Cas in there before he could protest. Sam quickly shut the doors, "I'll get you a sandwich, Cas." He said, before running upstairs amidst their protests.

Cas stood by the door, awkwardly. Dean sighed, "Sit down, you're making me nervous."

Cas sat down, biting his lip. Dean watched his friend. He had lost some weight in the week that had passed.  _What's he done to himself this time?_  Dean wondered.

That sat in awkward silence until they heard Sam stomping down the stairs, "I don't hear talking." He chuckled, "I'm not letting you guys out until you talk things out." He opened the door, shoved the plate with a sandwich on it into Cas's hands and quickly shut the door. "I'll give you guys some privacy." Sam went upstairs and shut the door behind him.

"Dean..." Cas broke the silence after a few more awkward minutes, "You seem unwell."

"Yeah," Dean snapped, "You don't look so hot yourself."

Cas grimaced, glancing at the sandwich.

"Go ahead, eat it."

Cas gave Dean Dean a half hearted smile and started eating the sandwich. "Cas, I heard what Sam said. Why haven't you eaten?"

Cas shook his head, swallowing the last bite of his sandwich, "I wasn't hungry."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Save it for someone who believes it."

"I was just meditating. It seems that is an activity which requires little food to sustain energy for. I'm perfectly fine."

Dean clenched his fist, "Oh, Cas, I'm quite aware of that."

Cas looked up at Dean.  _What does he mean?_  Dean fixed him with a hard stare. "What do you mean, Dean?"

**Sammy you better open this door, quick, before someone gets hurt**

**FFS Dean, you can't last 5 minutes**

**no**

**I'll be right there.**

"Dammit, Cas. You know damn well what I mean. When were you gonna tell me- us, that you got your memory back?"

"How-"

"Answer the damn question, Cas!" He shouted.

"Because it doesn't matter, Dean." Cas shouted back.

"The hell it doesn't!" Dean wanted to be angry, but he was mostly hurt.

"When were you gonna tell Sam you'd sold your soul?"

"Fuck off, Cas."

Dean stood up as Sam quickly pulled the doors open. He shoved past his brother, and went up the stairs, grabbing his keys. He stormed out of the bunker. Sam could hear the Impala start and the engine whine as his brother drove insanely fast away from the bunker.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you guys prefer if I did chapter summaries or would you rather i keep doing things the way I have


	16. Take Me to Church

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning: Homophobia and physical assault

Dean drove away from the bunker, tires squealing. After he was a safe distance away, he slowed down, and patted the dashboard, "I'm sorry, Baby, I didn't mean to hurt you."

He shut his phone off after Sam kept messaging him. Dean wasn't sure what he was going to do for the night. _Dammit, Cas. You've made a fool of me. All I wanted was to be loved. Was that too much to ask for? I wish things were different. But he's made it apparent that I'll never mean anything to him like that._ Dean wiped at his eyes. _Damn sweat_ He saw at neon sign. **Joe's Bar. Open 10 til 2.**

Dean turned into the parking lot.

* * *

Sam stared at Cas wide-eyed after Dean's exit. "Cas, what the hell was that?"

"It seems I have inadvertently created a schism between your brother and myself. But it wasn't to be unexpected. I knew what Dean was. I had just hoped that maybe one day things would change." He put his face in his hands.

"I don't understand. What do you mean?"

Cas looked up, an expression of pure pain on his face, "I'm in love with Dean."

* * *

Dean settled in at the bar, glad for once that he had the forethought to keep some of their fraudulent credit cards in the Impala, otherwise he would have no way to pay. He ordered a lot of rum. _Old habits die hard. God, what a fuck up I am. No wonder everyone's disgusted with me._ Dean downed the shots and got a few more. It was late, so there weren't too many other people there. Just a small group of guys, in their late teens. _They look like assholes._ The bartender went into the kitchen to get something.

"Fuck me." Dean said to himself, polishing off his last shot. At this point, he started to get a bit drunk.

One of the guys heard him, "The fuck did you say?"

"Blow me, asshole"

"Ya know, all this talk about blowing and fucking you is giving off a queer vibe. You queer?"

The other guys quieted, watching the interaction.

"I said. Are. You. Queer?"

Dean looked over at him, "Even if I was queer, I wouldn't wanna fuck you"

The guy stood up, so did Dean, "Get your ass outside, faggot, I'll show you what a real man is."

He grabbed Dean by his collar and pulled him outside. His friends followed them.

"Do you know what we do to fags here? Do ya?"

"Lemme guess, you suck 'em?"

"That's it, you piece of shit." The guys swung at Dean. Dean, having had more than a few drinks, was slow to react, ended up with a fist in the jaw. He stumbled backwards. One of the guy's friends grabbed Dean and shoved him forwards. The guy punched Dean again, this time in the gut. Dean lost his breath. He got another hit to the jaw, feeling it crack. Dean saw stars and fell to his knees. He spat out blood.

"That'll teach you for sucking cock, you faggot."

The guy and his friends started to kick Dean, someone had steel toed boots. He heard some of of his ribs crack and it became hard to breathe. He pulled in some ragged breaths, each one causing him pain. Someone stepped on his leg, causing a sickening crunch. The pain became too much for Dean and he slumped towards the ground.

* * *

Cas was pacing. "Does he usually disappear like this? What's happened to him? Why hasn't he come back go the bunker?"

"Cas, calm down. I don't know the answer to any of your questions, but staying up all night worrying about it won't do you any good. Knowing Dean he probably just got a motel room room and room and is letting off some steam. Get some sleep. I'll wake you if there's anymore news."

Cas bit his lip, hesitant, "Are you sure?"

Sam smiled sadly, "Yes, Cas. Just get some sleep, okay?"

Cas went to the room his called his own. He knew he wouldn't be getting any sleep, but he tried, for Sam's sake. This is all my fault. If anything happens to Dean, I'll never be able to forgive myself.

He turned the light off, but spent the next hour staring at the ceiling.

* * *

Sam was sitting in a chair, almost asleep, when his phone started ringing. He sat up quickly. The number wasn't one he recongnised.

"Hello?"

"I'm looking for Corey Osborne's next of kin."

Sam had to think for a second, his brain not completely functioning. Definitely Dean. "Speaking."

"I'm Melissa, from John Quincy Adams Hospital. You need to come immediately."

Sam hung up and ran to Cas's room, pushing his door open. Cas sat up, fully alert.

"Dean's in the hospital." He ran out of Cas's room. Cas followed quickly after him.


	17. Broken

"It seems your brother has suffered from two broken ribs, a collapsed lung due to a puncture wound, internal hemorrhaging, a broken bone, specifically the the ankle, lacerations, and a possible concussion. We're giving him morphine intravenously and he's receiving oxygen. We're waiting until he wakes up to see if he'll need a cast."

"What happened?" Cas asked.

The doctor frowned, "Well, in towns like this, people can be a bit... over sensitive about certain... ideologies."

"What does that mean," Cas said, clenching his jaw.

"It means, someone assumed, or knew, your brother was... not straight. The boys round here are as bit touchy about that."

"Why do you think that?" Sam asked.

"The word F-A-G was carved into his back. I'm extremely sorry about this." The doctor apologised. "It could have been much worse."

"What do you mean 'it could've been worse'? Cas shouted.

The doctor sighed, "He was very lucky. The temperature was cooler than usual for this time of year last night. The result of that coldness was the flow of blood was slowed, which saved him from suffering from a possible brain hemorrhage. Hypothermia is easier to treat than death." He opened the door to Dean's room. "You can go in, provided you keep quiet."

Cas rushed over to Dean, standing over him. Oh, Dean. Dean had a mask on, pumping oxygen into him. His body, from what Cas could see, was completely battered. It hurt just to look at him. He couldn't imagine what it must have been for Dean to suffer this.

Sam coughed, his eyes shining. "Why don't you sit down in the chair. I'm gonna go find us something to eat." He hesitated, "And Cas." Cas looked over at him briefly. "This isn't your fault." Cas looked away from his friend, unable to reply. As Sam left the room, a single tear fell down Cas's face.

* * *

After grabbing 2 muffins, Sam picked up his phone.

"Sheriff Mills."

"Jody..."

"Sam? What's wrong?"

"It's Dean. He's hurt."

"Where are you guys at?" He could hear her concern.

"John Quincy Adams Hospital, somewhere near Lebanon."

"I'll be there this afternoon. Call me if anything changes." She hung up.

Sam sighed, yawning. He saw Dean's doctor. "You're Corey's doctor, right?"

"Yes, is something the matter?"

"No," Sam said, quickly. "I just wanted to know about recovery, you know, how long it'll be before he wakes up and can go."

The doctor thought for a minute, "It will probably take him a day or two to wake up. He'll be able to leave sometime after that. But he'll need to stay in bed when he returns home. He will still need to recover, not to mention he will most likely be in a cast for a while." Sam nodded, a bit relieved. He went back to Dean's room with the muffins.

"Hey, Cas, I brought you muffin."

"I'm not hungry."

Sam sighed and set the muffin on the table next to Dean's hospital bed.

"You need to eat. Also, Jody's coming to see Dean. You haven't met her yet."

Cas didn't look up, "I'm sure she's lovely."

Sam gave up, and sat down in the other chair across the room. He soon fell asleep. Once he heard Sam's light snores, Cas reached out hesitantly and touched Dean's hand, rubbing it lightly. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry."

* * *

Jody arrived at the hospital by late afternoon. She got directions to Dean's room, and opened the door slowly. Sam was asleep and a man, Castiel, she assumed, was sitting in a chair next to Dean. "Are you Castiel?" She asked him, quietly, as she walked over to the bed.

"Yes," he said.

When she saw the state of Dean, she gasped. "What happened?"

"He got attacked, we're not exactly sure what happened. Broken ribs, collapsed lung, broken ankle, hemorrhaging." Cas whispered, his voice shaking.

"I'm Jody. It's nice to meet you."

Cas was silent for a moment, "I only wish it were under better circumstances."

Sam had chosen the most opportune

moment to wake up, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"Jody!" He jumped out of the seat, walking over to her.

"Sam, it's good to see you." She hugged him.

"I'm glad you could make it, Jody."

"You and your brother are family to me." She was silent for a moment, "What happened?"

"I'm not exactly sure, but I think it had something to do with Dean's big mouth and homophobic rednecks." He rubbed his neck. "I guess we'll get some answers when he wakes up."

She squeezed his arm reassuringly and sat down in one of the chairs. Cas had been silent during their exchange. Sam walked over to his friend, "Cas, why don't you get some sleep. You've been up since yesterday."

Cas shook his head, stubbornly. "Could you just get me a coffee."

Sam sighed and did as his friend requested.

The doctor came into check on Dean that evening. Some nurses wheeled him out to get X- Rays or something.

Cas, once again, started pacing nervously. "Why'd they take him? Is he okay?"

"I don't know, Cas. Do I look like like a doctor." Sam replied, irritably. Cas looked down. "I'm sorry, Cas. I didn't mean it."

* * *

They brought Dean back half an hour later.

"We've got some good news. The oxygen worked, and his lung has reinflated. Which means he should be able to breathe on his own." Sam smiled a little. "We're also going to lessen his dose of morphine. He'll probably wake up sometime tomorrow. Just make sure someone keeps an eye on him tonight. " Sam looked over at Cas. "Don't worry, we will."

* * *

Cas watched over Dean as Sam and Jody slept. He was deep in thought, berating himself for what happened to Dean when he heard a small noise. He froze. "Cas," he heard someone mumble. Cas looked over at Sam, but the sound was close to him.

He leaned closer to Dean, "Dean."

"Have I... ever told you... how much... I hate hospitals." Dean's eyes slowly opened, a grin forming on his face. "None... of the nurses... Are as sexy as you."


	18. Lost In You

Dean woke up to an annoying beeping. _Where am I?_ "Cas." He mumbled, weakly, still disoriented. Am I in a hospital? "Dean," he heard Cas say. _Definitely  a hospital, it smells like one._ He got himself together. "Have I... ever told you..." It hurt to talk, but he was determined to. "How much... I hate hospitals." He opened his eyes, smiling at his friend, "None... of the nurses... Are as sexy as you." Dean watched as Cas blushed. He tried sitting up.

"Here," Cas said, quickly, grabbing a small remote attached to the bed and handing it to him. "You're still weak." He looked back at Sam. "Do you want me to wake them?"

When Cas said them, Dean looked over. Of course. Sam called Jody. He needed to talk to Cas first. "No... not yet." He pressed the button, raising the bed so he could sit up.

"I need... to talk... to you. Can you promise... you'll keep quiet until... I'm  finished."

Cas felt his heart start to race. He's  going to inform me that he knows how I feel for him, but he doesn't  reciprocate. He nodded, "I promise."

 Dean got comfortable, finding it easier to breathe this way. "When you were gone... I went to a dark place... Sammy and I couldn't...  figure out why I was.... reacting so poorly... I didn't realise this at the time.... but it was  because you... left a hole in... my heart.... When I saw... Jimmy, I saw... you in him... I could imagine... he was you... so when you said that... it didn't  matter that you had your... memories back... I felt...." Dean tried to figure out what to say. He felt very vulnerable. "I didn't like it... I've reacted to everything... poorly... I'm sorry..."

Cas opened his mouth to speak. "Shh... you promised. Anyway... I just need to tell you... you mean a lot... to me... After my near death experience... I decided to... what's  the word? YOLO, I think. I understand that you're... straight or whatever you are, but... I couldn't  stand the silence... the distance... so whatever happens now, I know... that I did something about it...

Cas... I-" he was cut off by the sound of Sam moving. Dean watched his brother wake up. "Hey, Sammy." Sam's eyes opened, wide.

He stood up, going over to Dean. "If you ever do anything stupid like that again, Dean..." He didn't bother finishing his threat. Instead, he smiled, relieved.

"It's good to see you too, Sammy."

Cas watched their exchange, silently. He got up from where he had been, next to Dean. “I think I’m going to get some fresh air and something to eat.’ Without another word, he left. Sam’s eyes followed him. “What was that about?”

“What do you mean?’ Dean asked.

“Well, he has hasn’t left your side since we got here. I don’t think he slept and…” Sam glanced at the side table, Cas’s muffin abandoned, “From the looks of it, he hasn’t eaten.”

Dean faked a smile, “That sounds like him.” They sat in silence.

_I don’t understand. Cas flew out of here like a bat out of hell. I think I messed everything up... again. This is what happens when you share your feelings._

Sam stood up, awkwardly, "I should get Jody up, she dropped everything to come and see you." He shook her gently, "Jody, Dean's awake." She slowly  started to wake up. When she comprehended what Sam had said, she jerked up, looking towards Dean. "Dean!" She smiled, getting up and making her way over to him, yawning, "How do you feel?"

"Like I was hit by a train... But it could be worse." Dean replied.

"The doc says you might have to wear a cast."

Dean scowled, "Awesome."

Sam laughed, "Don't look so sour. You won't be able to do much, which means Cas is just gonna follow you around the entire time. If you ask nicely, he might be wear a maid outfit." Sam winked.

Dean groaned, feeling his face get hot. Thank god I don't blush. "That's not funny, Sammy!"

Sam laughed, "Well, I'm  gonna go find out angel. Don't get into trouble." Looking at Jody, "Make sure he doesn't hurt himself." Sam left, looking for Cas.

Jody sat down in chair next to Dean's  bed. She sighed, "How did you get into this mess, Dean?"

He watched Jody tor a moment before answering, "Have you ever realised you were... you had feelings for someone and... they'd never... You just know it. And- and it tears you apart, because before then, you've never...cared for anyone like that, except for family. They mean so much to you and you just fuck it all up, so then you lose your best friend..." Dean closed his eyes and rested against the pillows once more, "That made no sense. I'm sorry, Jody. Ignore me."

She smiled, "No, I get what you mean. I'm not in love with an angel of the lord who's  been to Hell and back, quite literally,  for you, but I understand what you mean, Dean. But, I wouldn't be too quick to think the world is ending over this. I've seen the way you two look at eachother."

* * *

 

Cas was sitting at one of the tables in the dining area, drinking coffee, pensive. He looked down. _Why couldn't I have chosen a female vessel? Maybe then Dean would be able to reciprocate my feelings. Then again… is it really such a surprise that Dean doesn't have feelings for me? He is a smart man, and I have made many- many mistakes in the past I have lied to him, and betrayed him. So, it is understandable. Still… I fear I have destroyed our friendship by letting my emotions interfere._ Cas jumped as Sam rested his hand on his shoulder.

 

“What do you mean,” Dean asked her.

“Like I said, I’ve seen the way you two look at eachother. It’s something deeper than I’ve seen before. As if- as if your souls have, well, touched. There’s a sense of wholeness when you are both in the room. I don’t understand how neither of you can see it.” She squeezed his hand. “You must be tired, what with us blabbering on forever. Get some sleep, Dean.” She kissed his forehead, lightly. “I’m going to find the other two.”

 

As she was leaving the room, Dean spoke, “Thank you, Jody.”

She smiled at him and shut the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to post Chapter 18, I had a hard time coming up with the juices to make it work. I hope it was worth the wait, but if not, let me know :)


	19. Enemy Inside

Dean had been released 3 days ago, with the promise that they would keep an eye on him and update his doctor if anything went wrong. Jody had stayed for a day to make sure Dean was settled in, but she had to get back to Sioux Falls and Alex.

Dean was watching TV in bed, his foot stuck in a black cast for the next few weeks, or at least that's what the doctor told him. Not if I can help it... There was a knock on the door, but Dean knew who it was. "Come in."

Cas slowly opened the door, a grilled cheese sandwich and and a beer in hand. He had been avoiding Dean since they got back from the hospital, only coming to see him when Sam was around, for the most part. He handed the sandwich to Dean and set the beer on the side table. "Have you taken your pills yet today?"

"There's no way I could forget," Dean joked, sadly. Cas didn't reply. He turned to leave. Dean hesitated, and then grabbed his arm. Cas froze. "Cas, wait." He faced Dean. Wincing slightly, Dean started to scoot over, patting next to him. "Sit... I need to talk." He panted. Cas bit his lip, ,

"We need to talk, Cas. Please." He begged Cas, "I'm tired of this... awkwardness between us. I mean, what are we, fifteen?"

Cas sighed, and sat down on the edge of the bed, watching Dean. "I'm sorry." He blurted out.

Dean's brow furrowed in confusion, "What?"

Cas bit his lip, sorrowful,"You getting... attacked. If I had been honest... none of this would have happened. I was just." His voice dropped to a whisper, "afraid."

Dean stared at his friend for a moment. "Afraid of what?"

"That you wouldn't have feelings for me. The moment I met you, Dean, my life was changed, for better or for worse. And since then, I've tried to keep my distance because of your love of women. If I had chosen a female vessel, maybe... maybe you could love me." He finished, quietly.

Dean started coughing, an almost laugh like sound. "Dammit, Cas," he said, wiping his eyes and grinning. "I couldn't love you in a female vessel anymore than I love you now. Who couldn't love a guy in a trench coat. That's- That's what I was trying to say in the hospital, when I was interrupted. But you know, it's, ah, hard for me to have deep talks, or whatever, so, I..." He blushed.

"I remember." Cas said, looking at Dean, "Being Jimmy... I remember it... every moment with you."

Dean inhaled, "Every moment?"

Cas smiled and raised his eyebrow, "Apple pie?" He winked as Dean's face got red.

Cas laughed at the expression on Dean's face, but he instantly sobered up, "I am sorry about this, Dean. I didn't mean to harm you."

Dean shook his head quickly, "Cas, I told you, it's not your fault. I'm the one who got drunk and let them beat me up."

"But I-"

"Dammit Cas," Dean growled, grabbing his angel by the tie and pulling Cas towards him. Dean pressed his lips against Cas's, ignoring the pain.

Cas mumbled, and Dean chuckled, shushing him. Dean deepened the kiss, gripping Cas's collar, keeping him there, until they heard an all too familiar fluttering. Dean jerked his head up, bumping Cas's in the process, "Fuck," he muttered, and he laid back, as a wave of vertigo hit him. "Rahmiel," Cas exclaimed, pleasantly surprised, "What news have you." She stared at him, her arms crossed. "Really, brother, I would've expected better of you."

"What do you mean?" Cas asked, quietly.

"It was all too easy to find you. Your human may be safe from the angels, but you're not marked." She walked over to him and touched his chest, engraving his ribs with Enochian sigils. Rahmiel reached into his pocket, noting Dean's scowl, and typed her number in. "This is in case you have an emergency. Now, what I really came for was this." She pulled a vial of a glowing substance out of her jacket. Looking over at Dean, she squinted and walked over to him. Rahmiel rolled her eyes, "Humans are a fragile lot." And touched his forehead. A look of relief quickly passed over Dean's face, causing Cas to feel guilty. She looked over at Cas and handed him the vial, "Here is your grace, it was not too difficult to get. I am afraid I had to kill one of our brothers to get this, but the others will be put on trial... eventually. You understand how tedious and slow the process of justice is in Heaven. It was good seeing you again brother. " She kissed his cheek and disappeared.

Dean sat up, now no longer in pain. Cas stared at his hands. "Cas...?" Dean asked, anxiously. "You okay?"

When Cas didn't respond, Dean leaned forward and grabbed his chin, forcing Cas to look at him. "What is it?"

Cas bit his lip, torn. Dean placed both of his hands on Cas's shoulders. "Cas, you can tell me." Cas glanced down again, "I don't want to make you mad..."

Dean snorted, "Just tell me."

Cas hesitated, before speaking, "I don't think I want my grace back."

Dean's stomach dropped, not sure what Cas meant by that. He chuckled nervously, "Very funny. Is today April Fools Day or something?"

Cas glared at him, "I am quite serious, Dean."


	20. From the Inside

"Dammit Cas, you gotta give me some answers!" Dean followed after the trenchcoated man, who stormed past Sam. "Cas!" **  
**

He turned around, as Dean was upon him and whispered angrily "I don't want to hear a word from you about giving answers. When are you going to inform your brother that you've sold your soul?" He looked up, "Hey Sam!"

Dean covered Cas's mouth and dragged him back to his room, shutting the door behind him.

"Don't you dare tell him. We'll deal with it another time. Now tell me. Why don't you want your grace back?"

Cas looked down. "Dean, ever since I became human, I was able to feel things in a way I hadn't before. Showering, the sensation of warm water running down my back. Eating. Food, Dean, it's the most wonderful thing I've experienced. And..." He looked Dean in the eye, his pupils dilating, and leaned forwards pressing his lips against Dean's, "This." He kissed the corner of Dean's lip. This is something." His lips pressed against Dean's jaw, feeling the stubble. "I never." Down to Dean's Adam's Apple, causing him to gasp a little, "Want to." His lips rested on Dean's chest, just above his anti possession sigil. "Lose." Dean sucked in a breath and froze, unsure of how to react, but knowing what he wanted to do. Cas grabbed Dean by his belt loops and pulled him close. "You have to understand. If I get my grace back, I can only feel you here." He took Dean's hand and placed it on his chest.

Dean shook his head stubbornly, "Cas, you know that you're useless without your grace." He instantly regretted what he said, as Cas's eyes darkened.

"Is that all I am to you?" He asked Dean quietly. "Did you just want to get me back for my grace?"

"Cas, no, please. I didn't-" He tripped on his words, trying to take back what he said.

Cas turned around, "Thank you for informing me of that finally. I would hate for you to want me around purely because of your feelings." He walked out, calmly and left the door open behind him.

_I would rather he yelled at me._ Dean sat down on his bed and ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. _I'm no good with words. Every time I say something, it makes everything worse. I just want him to be safe, and alive. Without his grace, I can't guarantee that._ He laid down and sighed, remembering the feeling of Cas's lips on him.

_Is that all Dean wants? Does he just want me to be an angel, just so I can help him?_ He felt something wet on his cheek, and wiped at it.

_Am I... crying_? He looked above, and and saw the darkened sky. _It's going to rain_ he thought, and in that instant, it started. A cold, hard rain. Cas sat in it, even as the rain started pouring harder, until he couldn't see far in front of him. He sat in silence for a while, feeling like a fool for his actions in Deans his arms around his legs, he shivered, soaking wet. _I deserve this. For being so foolish. Nothing good happens when an angel falls for a human..._

* * *

Sam put down the book he was reading. _What the hell have they been doing for the past hour?_  He thought. _You know what, I don't even want to know._

Jody and him had made a bet when she came to visit, to see how long Dean and Cas would go before admitting their feelings and getting together already.

_The slash fans would be ecstatic._ He chuckled at that thought.

_But it's a little too quiet._ He went to Dean's room and saw the door was open. _Dean was laying in bed. Not this again._

_"Dean!"_

His brother sat up.

"Where's Cas?"

Dean groaned and laid back down. "How am I supposed to know? Does it look like I keep him on a leash?"

Feeling uneasy, he went to the room Cas was staying in. Where is he?

He went upstairs and opened the door of the bunker. _Jesus, it's cold today._ He tried to see through the rain, noticing a tan spot against a tree. He squinted. _No... Cas?_ He ran back inside, "Dean!" Sam shouted. He heard Dean running, and then saw his brother, holding his gun.

"Drop it, Dean. We've got a different sort of issue." He ran outside to where Cas was. Confused, Dean ran up the stairs and followed his brother.

What the hell is he doing out here? Dean thought.

He ran faster, and caught up with Sam. He crouched down next to Cas and grabbed his hand. "He's freezing."

"Of course he is! It's 40° and he's soaked to the bone. How long has he been out here?"

Dean shook his head, "I don't know, but we've got to get him inside. He's turning blue." He got up and reached under Cas's arms, waiting for Sam to get his legs. Once Sam was ready, they lifted Cas up and carried him into the bunker.

* * *

As carefully as they could, they brought him down the stairs and carried him to the room he'd been staying in.

Dean had Sam get some warm blankets, and stripped off Cas's clothes. _Nope, not gonna look._ He put a pair of boxers on Cas and took off his shirt and pants, climbing into bed with Cas. _Jesus, he's cold_. Awkwardly, he wrapped his arms around Cas to try and warm him up. Sam came back with the blankets, and put them over Dean and Cas, silently.

"Don't even say anything." Dean threatened.

"I wasn't going to," Sam said calmly. "Someone's gotta keep him warm, and it's not going to be me." He left the room, and returned a few minutes later with some fresh coffee for Dean.

Sam took another look at Cas, before leaving, "Let me know if he gets worse."

Drinking his coffee with one hand, Dean's arm squeezed protectively around Cas. He watched and waited for the color to start to return to the angel's face. Resting his head on Cas's, he closed his eyes.

 


	21. Home Sweet Hole

Cas slowly started to gain consciousness. Dazed, all he could tell was that he was cold, and there was a source of warmth behind him, so he turned and faced it. A constant, deep thumping sound started to lull him back to sleep. He felt something squeeze him towards the warmth again, but was too tired to be concerned. He fell in and out of sleep to the thumping sound, as he gained strength and warmth.

Cas sniffled a little, realising he felt pretty horrible physically. He noted noted a pressure on his head. Opening his eyes, squinting against the light, the first thing he was was the anti possession tattoo on someone's chest. 

Sniffing lightly, he could tell it was Dean. He stiffened. _Why am I in bed with Dean? And why do I feel so weak? Am I dreaming?_ Cas tried to look around without waking Dean, who was now sleeping with his head on the pillow. It reminded him of the times he had watched Dean sleep, as an angel. There was something so captivating about his green eyed human. He felt an odd itching in his nose, and was concerned.

Dean was jolted awake when Cas sneezed, something he had never heard. Looking at his angel, he saw the look of surprise on Cas's face, and ventured a guess that'd Cas never heard himself sneeze either.   
When they made eye contact, Dean looked away, abashed, and sat up. Cas stared at his torso, causing heat to rise to Dean's face when he noticed Cas looking. 

“Um, Dean. I do not mean to seem rude, but why am I… partially undressed and in your bed?” 

Dean groaned, “Because you seemed to have forgotten that you’re not invincible anymore.”

Cas scowled slightly, remembering their argument, “Ah, yes, how could I forget when you seem so desperate to remind me of my flaws?” He turned away from Dean.

Dean touched his shoulder lightly, “C’mon, Cas. That's not what I meant. I care about you. But you heard Rahmiel. Humans are fragile. And Cas, I can't” his voice broke, “I can't lose you, not again.” 

Hearing Dean’s voice, he turned around, sitting up. “You just don't get it.”  
Dean ran his hand through his hair and put his shirt back on, frustrated, “Enlighten me, Cas.”

Sam knocked on the door, “Can I come in?”  
Scooting away from Cas, Dean grimaced, “Uh, sure?”  
Peeking his head in, Sam asked, “I'm not interrupting anything, am i?” quickly grabbing a shoe, Dean threw it at his brother. Sam ducked, but smiled. “Hey, Cas, you alright?”   
“Yes, Sam, it seems I'll be able to recover fully thanks to the generosity of your brother”. He got out of the bed,  
“Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get some food.” He brushed past Sam and went to find the kitchen.  
Sam frowned and shook his head, “You two better kiss and makeup. I thought you would be happier with him back.” 

Dean rolled over with his back facing Sam, “Sorry to disappoint you.”  
Huffing, Sam left his brother and went to find Cas. 

“What's going on, Cas?”  
Cas looked up from his PB and J, “I, uh… well… mightvegottenmygraceback”

“I'm sorry, what? Your grace? That's a good thing isn't it?”

Cas looked down, “I don't think I want it…” he said quietly. 

“And he's not taking it well?” Sam nodded in the direction of Dean's room.  
“no, not at all”  
Sam was quiet  
“I don't blame him. He cares about you. No, he- he love you. And that's hard for Dean. Hell, if he could sell his soul to make me invincible, he would. But he doesn't have to with you. He can love you without worrying he'll lose you easily.”

Cas’ eyes darkened, “about that… your brother, he,” Cas coughed, nervously, “He, uh, sold his soul.”

“DEAN”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm so, so sorry everybody.  
> I had a case of writer's block and couldn't figure out what to do with the story, but I'm back now  
> Please forgive me <3


	22. Chapter 22

 

Dean muttered a few choice words and shuffled out of his room. _Sam is going to kill me!_

He peeked his head into the kitchen, trying to look innocent. "Yes…?"

Sam glared at him with his arms crossed, "Were you ever going to tell me?"

Dean grimaced, "uh, eventually"

"How long do you have"

Dean couldn't look at them, "...Two and a half years"

Cas paled, accidently dropping his water bottle, inhaling sharply.

They all watched as the water spilled across the floor.

Dean snuck a glance at Cas, who was looking a bit woozy.

Dean rushed over to him, standing in the puddle of water.

He shook Cas a little, "Cas… buddy, you okay?"

"Two and half years, dammit Dean. Why did you do that?" Cas angrily pushed Dean away. It wasn't enough to hurt him physically, but emotionally, he was shattered.

Dean stormed off to his room, feeling caged in. He got changed quickly and tried sneaking past the two of them. They were in the kitchen, whispering. Dean almost made it out of the bunker without being spotted, except for a creaky stair.

Sam looked up, 'Dean, stop!"

Without looking back, he said, "I'll be… back in a little while"

* * *

Dean looked left and right, before deciding to take a run through the woods.

He dodged bushes and fallen limbs, enjoying the shade. His brother called his name in the distance, but he pushed himself some more.

Once he couldn't hear his brothers voice, or any sound for the matter, he froze.

_Where are the birds…_

He froze when he heard a cracking sound, like leaves being stepped on. It was completely silent.

Dean glanced around him, lacking a weapon.

_Son of a bitch._ He backed up slowly.

"well, well, well. What do we have here? A little lamb has lost his way." a voice called from behind him.

He turned around, rapidly.

"ooh, he's so fast." another voice cackled, high in the trees.

Dean cursed himself for getting into this situation.

Someone dropped down directly in front of him.

_Vampires? I can't tell._

_Open your mouth, dammit._

"What's a guy like you doing with a girl like me?" The vampire in front of him smiled, exposing her fangs.

He rolled his eyes, "Really? That's the best you've got? Stupid blood sucker."

"That's my woman you're talking about" someone whispered in his ear, slamming Dean against the tree.

He coughed, spitting out blood.

He hadn't been paying attention, because he was trying to find a weapon, any weapon.

"You bastards!" He struggled, but to no avail. It didn't seem like he was going to make it out of this.

The vampire chick came up to him,Sniffing his neck. "mmm, delicious"

He might be going down, but he wasn't going down without a fight. He shook his head around, trying to hit her, but it just amused the vampires. She leaned close to him, "I'm going to enjoy this." She latched herself onto his neck, sucking heavily. Dean struggled, trying to fight it. His knees felt weak.

_Oh, god, this is it. I'm really going to die this time._

_Cas, I'm so sorry._

Dean was glad that he was tied to the tree, otherwise, he probably would have fallen.

Dean opened his eyes.

_I'm hallucinating. I'm about to die. Look, there's Cas._

He saw what appeared to be his angel crashing through the forest, brandishing a gun.

_At Least I'll die seeing his face one last time_

_A_ loud bang resonated in Dean's ears. He felt the pressure in his neck released, and another bang went off. Dean, sloe and groggy, tried to find the source of the noise. He saw his brother right behind Cas.

_Is everyone coming to see me one last time?_

Cas ran over to him and untied the ropes, causing Dean to slump to the ground. His head rested in Cas' lap. He blinked slowly.

Cas was saying something, but it felt like his ears were full of cotton.

Dean knew his life was slipping away. Whether Cas was real or not he had to let him know. _What I regret most is that I won't be in Heaven with him… but he'll be better off. I just have to tell him that…._ His vision blurred and he struggled to breathe.

* * *

Cas' hand gripped Dean's neck, trying to stop the flow of blood. _He's going to die._ A tear slid down his face.

"Sam, help me!" he shouted, holding on to Dean tighter, rocking him slightly. Dean mumbled something.

"Shh, it's okay. It's going to be okay." He rested his forehead on Dean's. _Why hasn't the bleeding stopped._ Cas could see the blood slipping through his fingertips.

"Sam!" he cried, desperately. Sam finally ran over, after finishing off the vampires, and ripped the bottom of his shirt.

"I don't know what we can do for him." He said grimly, gingerly taking Cas' bloodied hand off Dean's neck. The flow of blood continued, but had slowed. Sam tried to tie the fabric around Dean's neck the best he could without choking him.

_He's so pale._

Cas placed his ear next to Dean's mouth, seeing him mouth something. Dean faintly whispered, paler "-wish… I could see you… in Heaven. Stay safe… my angel..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who's interested:
> 
> All or Nothing Soundtrack: youtube /playlist?list=PL2_I1ZDwrVfUVI0DV46wWGo-edAuhHUB


	23. Deathbeds

Sam had to come up with a plan, and fast too. The hell hounds would be coming for his brother if he was dying. "Cas, we have to move him. We have to get him back to the bunker." Cas clutched at Dean's shirt, the tears falling freely. He wiped at his eyes

"Right, okay, I'll just…" he trailed off.

Sam reached for Dean's legs, "Can you help me?" he asked Cas softly. Cas nodded and grabbed under Dean's arms, praying that he wouldn't keep bleeding.

"I don't think there's enough blood left to worry about that right now" Sam said, unhelpfully. They lifted him and walked as fast as they could.

The walk back, less than half a mile, to the bunker was antagonising and silent. Luckily for them (although they weren't aware), Dean's occasional smoking kept him from running for long periods of time without a break, despite his high stamina.

Dean's head flopped to the side, lifeless.

The bunker was within sight after 10 minutes. Gripping Dean tightly, they tried speeding up as much as they could.

Once inside the bunker they carried Dean down the stairs and stopped at the bottom.

Cas checked on Dean. He could barely feel a pulse. In fact, he couldn't even tell if Dean was breathing…

"Sam, his heart stopped!" Cas opened Dean's mouth. Some blood had pooled in his mouth, blocking his airway. Cas sat Dean up, smacking his back. When he was satisfied enough blood was out, he laid Dean back down and started CPR. He placed his mouth against Dean's and breathed for him. Chest compressions. Breathe. Chest compressions. Breathe. He barely noticed Dean's blood.

Sam ran into the room, holding something in his hands. He sat down across from Cas.

"Cas, stop." Cas couldn't hear him. "Cas, please!"

He looked up at Sam, hopelessly, and scooted back

Sam lifted his brother's shirt. Purple bruising, almost in the shape of a hand had started to form on his chest.

Sam connected the AED to Dean's chest.

Thank God I learned CPR.

He took the paddles, and placed them on his brothers chest. Pressing the handles, a loud beep sounded.

Don't you die on me, dammit.

No response.

He tried again.

His brother jerked, gasping slightly.

Cas watched, silent.

"He's… he's okay for now…" Sam said.

He took his brother into his arms and started to carry him. Dean was heavy, but he didn't think Cas would be of much help.

Dean and Cas had gone on a hunt. Nothing serious, just some ghosts. Sam had decided to stay at the motel to do some research.

When they got to the place of the haunting, Dean felt something wasn't right.

He called Sam, asking for backup.

"Stay where you are until I get there!"

Dean hung up, "C'mon, Cas"."

He pushed the front door open, listening for any noise. Once they got inside the living room, they were ambushed. It was dark, and Dean was fighting off at least 3 other men.

Someone wrapped their arm around his neck.

"Cas!" He struggled to breathe, and his vision went black.

"I don't know what you want!" Cas gasped out, his face bruised and bloodied.

Dean started to wake up, listening to the exchange.

"How do we open the cage and free Lucifer?"

"I don't know!"

"Liar" the angel said calmly. Dean saw a flash of silver and Cas cried out in pain, red staining his chest. He already had so many cuts.

"CAS!" Dean shouted, trying to shake off the angels.

He heard Cas scream as the angel started to break the bones in Cas's arms, and he fought even harder. The angel who was hurting Cas looked at Dean and smiled, laughing, as he punched Castiel in the face repeatedly.

He held held a knife to Cas's throat and shouted, "Stop." Dean had no choice but to obey. "As much as I enjoyed this, my brothers and I have more important matters to attend to. He held the knife against Cas's throat once more and Dean cried out. The angel just rolled his eyes. "Calm yourself. I have no reason to kill Castiel, I just want something from him, since he won't give me the information I need. After this, my brothers and I will leave you and your brother alone, along with Castiel, provided you don't put up a struggle. Deal Dean?".

Dean saw no compassion in the angels' dark, almost black eyes. He nodded, just wanting Cas alive.

The angel chuckled. "Oh, Dean, Dean, Dean. Castiel has sacrificed our brothers and the world for you. And that sacrifice hasn't gone unnoticed. Let this be a lesson to you, lest you decide to meddle with angels again." He pat Cas' head, like a dog, and crouched down, saying "He's ready to be rid of you anyway". The angel placed his hands on the side of Cas' head, and twisted it sharply to the left.

"Dean… DEAN!"

He jerked up, gasping. Cas was sitting beside his bed, looking haggard. The memory turned nightmare was fresh in Dean's mind, confusing him.

Cas put his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Easy. I tried waking you up when I realised you were having a nightmare. You were shouting in your sleep."

Dean tried calming his heart. He grabbed his phone and looked at his neck in the reflection. There was barely any looked back up at Cas, "How-? Did you…?"

"I took back my grace. It was the only way I could save you." Cas said.

Dean bit his lip and looked down, "I'm so sorry, Cas."

"Don't be." He felt the pressure of Cas' lips on his head. "You know I would do anything for you."

"I'm sorry for being so stupid."

"Could you be more specific?"

Dean looked up and saw Cas smiling a little.

He chuckled, and then frowned. "Cas, no offense, but you look a little rough."

Cas stood up, hesitating. He squeezed Dean's hand. "Don't worry about me. I'm going to get Sam and let him know you're okay."

Sam knocked on the door, "Come in," Dean said, sitting up.

"You look like hell" Sam looked relieved.

"So do you" Dean replied, standing up.

That was a mistake. His head started pounding, and he stumbled a little. Sam reached out and grabbed Dean's shoulder, steadying him.

"You've been out of it for a few days. Take it easy."

Dean waved him off, "I'm fine, honestly."

He paused, "I'm not sure I can say the same for Cas."

Sam sighed, "Cas isn't going to admit it, but healing you took a lot of juice. He basically brought you back from the dead. If angels could pass out, I'm sure he would have." Sam looked at his brother, "He really… Cas really loves you, Dean."


	24. Know Who You Are

"I know, Sammy." Dean paused. "It was bad, wasn't it? How was he?"

Sam bit his lip, "He- he was in rough shape, Dean. He hasn't left your side. I was almost as worried about him as I was about you. Don't do that to us again, okay?"

Dean nodded, "Don't worry"

He walked to the door, steadier now. "Cas," he called.

Cas popped up next to them, startling Dean "Right, I'm gonna have to get used to that." Dean said, apologetically.

"You called?"

Dean pulled Cas to him, hugging him tightly, "I…" he coughed, trying to say those three little words. "Cas, I…"

"I know," Cas's blue eyes softened as he looked at Dean.

Dean's breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm such an idiot. All this time, I've been denying how I- how I felt. Thank you, Cas."

"What for, Dean?" he leaned back, surprise apparent on his face.

"Saving me."

"of course-!"

"Not today, you goof." he smiled softly. "You've saved me." his voice broke slightly. "In more ways than one. And I'm sorry what you've had to go through-"

Cas cut him off, placing a finger on Dean's lips. "You will never. Ever. Have to apologise for that. The things I've sacrificed for you. I would do it over and over again. I would put myself in your place in hell for eternity. Never think that I regret what I've done. I did it out of love for you."

Dean was rarely one to get swept up in emotions, but he felt his heart tug at his angel's words. "You know, we never got a second date." He winked at Cas. "I'd like another one. If you think can top the fireworks."

After a brief moment, Cas grinned broadly, recalling their accidental date. "Oh you." He leaned forward and gripped Dean's shirt, pushing him against the doorway. His lips brushed against Dean's. Dean reciprocated, his tongue darting out to taste Cas's lips.

"Ahem," a familiar voice spoke.

They jumped apart from each other as if shocked.

"Hello, Castiel. Hello, Dean".

"God? I mean, Chuck?" Dean asked, looking at the short bearded man before them. "What the- what are you doing here?"

"I felt it when Castiel got his grace back. I wanted to check in on you."

"Couldn't you have, I don't know, knocked?" Dean muttered, before being elbowed by Cas.

"What can I say? I'm melodramatic." Chuck chuckled. "But, I actually have a legitimate reason for this visit, not that I need one. Seeing as I am all-mighty and what-not. I've come to make a deal with you Castiel."

Cas stiffened, "Yes?"

"You've always been a favorite of mine. Since I created you, it was hard to deny your empathy for the humans. Most of my angels come nowhere near the level of affection you've developed. And of course, no one can deny your devotion to Dean Winchester. That being said, I want a offer you something you thought you couldn't have. I want to seal you in your vessel permanently, make you human. You'll still have your grace, but that will burn out if. No, when, you heal someone. It will take a while, but eventually you will be 100% normal, I mean, human. This means you will age along with the rest of humanity. And when you die, well." He gave Castiel a pensive smile.

"How long will I live?" Cas gasped.

Chuck shrugged, "50-60 years if you take care of the vessel and eat your vegetables."

Cas glanced at Dean and took his hand. "I'll do it."

"But, Cas. What about heaven?"

Cas shook his head, "Why would I need Heaven when I have you?"

Dean bit his lip, his eyes watering slightly. "Will it hurt?"

"Possibly" said Chuck solemnly. "But not for long. I'll strike him with lightning. He might pass out. Within a few days, he'll begin to feel things more human.

"What's the difference between this and when he lost his grace?" Sam asked.

"How about the fact that without his grace, he would slowly decay until his vessel turned to dust? He wasn't without grace long enough to feel the real effects, but it definitely wore on him, physically and mentally. Any longer and there would be organ failure."

"I'm ready for it. I'm not scared." said Cas.

Chuck stared at him for a moment before reaching out and touching Castiel on the forehead. A flash of light burst through the room, temporarily blinding them. Dean felt Cas sag and gently lowered him to the floor

Dean lay in his bed with Cas by his side. He rubbed small circles in Cas's palm, waiting for him to wake up. .

After 3 antagonising hours of Cas moaning and burning up with a fever, he finally started to wake.

"Dean?" Cas mumbled, trying to sit up.

"Hey, angel" Dean kissed his cheek. "Take it easy."

"Did it work? Where's Chuck? Am I," Cas paused "Do I get to grow old with you?"

Dean smiled at him, "He's got to run paradise. But he said everything went perfect, so i guesd its til death do us part." a strange look came upon Dean's face, and he got out of the bed.

"I'll be right back, angel."

When Dean came back to the room, Cas was sitting up fully.

"Does it hurt?" Dean asked, concern on his face.

Cas shook his head, "I'm fine."

"Okay, good." Dean paled and rocked nervously on his heels.

"So, Cas. I, um, I've decided to out on a limb here." He walked over to the bed and got down on one knee. "I know that I've never cared for anyone the way I do for you. I love you and I want the rest of the world to know. I want to make you mine. Castiel. Will you do me the honor of marrying me?"

With shaky hands, he pulled out a ring made of string. "It'll have to do, until you get a real one, that is if-"

"Yes." said Cas, "Of course. There's no one else I'd rather have by my side."

Dean kissed his angel's hand and slipped the "ring" on Cas's finger.

"You know," Cas grinned wickedly, "I think I'll need you to jog my memory. What is it we were doing before Chuck interrupted?"

"Before you start eating eachother's faces," called Sam from out in the hallway. "I just wanted to say congrats."

Dean rolled his eyes, "get out of here, Sammy."

He climbed into the bed with Cas, hovering over him, with both arms resting beside Cas. "God, I love you."

"John, I love you." Cas chuckled. "See how strange it is when I say Your father's name?"

Dean rolled his eyes and muttered something that rhymed with "cart mass" and started to kiss his angel passionately.

*authors note* I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read this story over the past two? three years? I put All or Nothing on the back burner, but recently found the motivation to get in another chapter. there may or may not be more in the future. Lots of Love from DHW


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